We were in the same class and I thought she was pretty and started chatting with her and trying to … I don’t know, you know, get to know someone well enough to start a relationship with them. However you do that – I still do not know.

I was also going through a period of severe depression and a period of severe vodka-in-the-morning alcoholism to compensate. I was not at my best. I remember every time I talked to her, and she seemed pleasant enough and friendly enough the whole time. At some point she mentioned she had a boyfriend, ok, cool; so what is the move here? completely stop talking to her? continue talking in a normal way? I attempted the latter, a few weeks later I got an official letter from the school saying she was concerned about “unwanted in-person contact and indirect contact with [me], which she deems to be harassing in nature” and I needed to sign a thing to never talk to her again.

I have a few unresolved points I can’t get over:

  • How am I supposed to continue existing knowing this occurred? I was labelled god-knows-what, I mentally carry it around like a scarlet letter. Is this the intended effect?

  • How am I supposed to enter a healthy relationship at this point? Do I still deserve love? Are you sure?

  • I am sober now, I am going to therapy, and so on, i am no longer a threat to society, etc etc

  • How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?

  • How can I not continually hate myself forever?

  • NoIWontPickaName@kbin.social
    0·
    8 months ago

    Have you just straight up said no to them? Just a straight no thank you I am not interested in having any kind of relationship with you, even a non romantic one?

    People hate to just put their cards on the table and then get frustrated with others because they can’t understand the muddy communication.

    If you tell me that you are too busy, that means “Hey not right now because I am too busy, but I am open to this.

    Compare that to just saying no.

    One is very clear, the other is ambiguous at best

    • escew@lemmy.worldEnglish
      0·
      8 months ago

      I kind of agree with you but I think it’s my male privilege. My wife doesn’t like it when I say “no thank you” and then close the door while the sales man is still talking. If she can’t handle ME shutting down someone neither of us know and will never see again, there’s no way she would be comfortable telling someone who knows her and where she lives that she’s not interested right? As a man it’s easy to be clear with my intentions. As a woman, it’s dangerous.

      • Thrillhouse@lemmy.worldEnglish
        0·
        8 months ago

        Thank you.

        There are a few considerations:

        1. This is a small town. My philosophy is to be friendly with everyone and not burn bridges. Being friendly doesn’t mean being friends or going to coffee. It could be that we might end up working together some day or being at a party. In small towns you do need to exercise some social grace to make sure you don’t hurt others’ feelings.
        2. The amount of times women say “no thank you” directly and still get interrogated by a series of why not questions. This is so common. I shouldn’t have to rationalize, defend or explain why I said no.
        3. Then, women get into a situation where we really firmly have to say NO and suddenly we’re a bitch if we say that to the wrong person and open to violence, threats or stalking in the worst cases.
        4. Also, we are socialized from a young age to be “nice and polite.” That doesn’t just go away. It’s like why don’t men talk about their emotions? It’s a social structure - it doesn’t mean it’s right, or that we shouldn’t work to change it.
          • fireweed@lemmy.worldEnglish
            0·
            8 months ago

            If you want cultural change, start with the perpetrators of the problem not the victims.

            Don’t teach women to speak directly, instead teach men to accept direct speech. This includes empowering men to call out other men who chastise/complain about/act aggressively toward women who’ve been direct with them.

            Once women no longer feel a need to use softening and indirect language for their own protection, more direct speech will naturally follow.