I’m not looking to get into relationships. Quite frankly, the idea of getting into a relationship with someone is a little revolting. That’s a strong word to use, I’m aware, but I do mean it. It’s stomach-churning to think of it, to think of getting attached to someone so strongly. I don’t mean for this to sound insulting or demeaning, in any way; I have nothing against relationships, and people in relationships don’t bother me in the slightest (my own parents are in a relationship, wouldn’t you believe it).

Perhaps because I’m so closed-off to others, when I think of what would take for me to get into a relationship, I imagine a slow-burn sort of romance, so slow that it’s like it’s not even moving. The sort of romance that starts of as acquaintance and somehow turns into a friendship and somehow turns into a relationship, so slow that only as the persons are getting married do they realize that they aren’t just acquaintances, any more.

Maybe I’m scared of commitment? I don’t think I am; then again, I’m not a psychologist.

Speaking of commitment—something I planned all along, by the way, as I wrote the title of this post before writing even a single word of the post text—, what’s up with cheaters?

I think some people take love very lightly. Or rather, they take relationships very lightly, and they don’t really care about love. I met a cheater—I found out someone I knew was a cheater—and it shook me a little. Of course, I know people cheat, I know there are people that cheat, but to actually meet someone. He was bragging, too, I think. At the very least, he was not not-proud of it. It was weird. I just laughed and said “that’s not good, that’s terrible, that’s really bad,” but I think it came off as somewhat unserious. He’s a colleague, so I don’t want to make an enemy of him by shitting on his terrible actions. I feel a little stuck, in this situation, but I feel I did what’s best for me.

The more I think about this, the more I think I’m actually very normal, on the inside. Which might seem really weird, having read this post, but I mean it. I think I’m very normal, but I just think about things in a very abnormal way. I think people do feel love, but while I think of relationships as an expression of that, most people just don’t. They don’t actually think of it that way… I don’t know what it is, though, is it transactional? He doesn’t love his girlfriends, that’s for sure.

A VTuber I really like says she doesn’t understand love and that, at some point, she just decided to define love for herself. She just sat down and said “this is love,” and then that was love. Obsession, by the way, is what she defined it as. She’s in a relationship, but she says she doesn’t really “love” her partner, not in the traditional sense, but that she is madly obsessed with them, which for her is love, by definition. I can understand that, to be honest. It’s rational and logic, even if unhinged and weird.

How can someone be in a relationship and cheat? It’s just… It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around it. I understand not wanting to be in a relationship and cheating; it’s shitty but it’s understandable. I understand being drunk or high or something and kissing someone without thinking and then realizing you did it and thinking it was awful and regretting it; it’s irresponsible but not so immoral or anything, I don’t think. Actively engaging in a relationship, being with someone strongly and unquestionably, and still wanting to be with someone else? I don’t know, that’s just so weird.

Well, I guess poly people exist, so there’s that. I don’t know.

Humans are complicated, I suppose. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. What a revolutionary thought-leader, I am.