Procrastination. Seriously, I’m meant to be in bed right now!
Shy bladder syndrome - I can only take go on a toilet and do my business at my own home while no one else is nearby, and this makes it very hard whenever I get hospitalized, have to stay somewhere overnight (thankfully never happened), or being in school/work as I can never use the toilet once the need arises - gotta wait until I’m back home for that.
The worst it had affected me was at a hospital once where it took me around 2-3 days to be able to finally start urinating there after countless attempts over the time period, and 2 weeks to be able to take a shit. It’s no fun.
My inability to both talk to new people, and stop talking once I start. It’s like I have to mentally burst through a brick wall, and then can’t figure out how to stop.
I feel awkward as fuck.
It’s OK to not talk…it is also OK to talk too much
Angry and frustrated at everything I do,I dont do, could be doing, mix in a good helping of not having done enough of the thing I actually sid
I don’t trust anyone. I have a total of two friends.
Heh, one more than me.
My codependency. I completely rely on others for my own validity. If people are busy/don’t want to hang, it really upsets me.
I know it burns out my closest friends. I talk to most of them daily and over analyze the fuck out of our friendship if they get busy/distracted.
I’m honestly lucky I still have the ones I do. I’m also starting my first therapy session on 31 Jan so I don’t lose the people I have in my life.
The fact you’re aware of that is huge! You’re on your way!
Bruh Lemmy is so fucking supportive and wholesome. Thank you!
I will admit tho, it’s taken me until my mid-thirties to hit this point, and there are many relationships from my past that I wish I could have saved. Can’t dwell there though, gotta save the ones I have now and be the best wife I can be for my husband (and the best me I can be for myself!)
I 100% believe you’ve got this. You’re 90% of the way there already. You have identified a problem, determined the source of the problem, determined the problem’s current and probable effects in your lives and the lives of others, identified several solutions, and have a plan in place. All you need is the methodology for solving this problem (which you already have on the calendar).
You’re so close!
I can be insufferably insistent at times. If someone says they’ll do X with me, or for me, I will pester them until they do, “playfully” jabbing at them the longer they don’t do whatever they said.
Honestly doesn’t sound too bad. If I had a friend who both reached out, and then pestered me, I might actually feel valued lol
ADHD. I blurt shit out. My emotions are about 6 steps ahead of the rest of my brain. Uninteresting things are death. Time is either too fast or too slow. Sitting still for long periods of time is torture
You can make a virtue out of it.
I also can’t sit still. Not even for two minutes. But I have a job at the computer. Requires sitting most of the time.
I think that I’m never going to get spinal disc problems like all the other people who sit all day long. Spinal discs need motion to stay healthy. Trouble comes from sitting motionless.
My spine stays in motion all the time and now I feel good about it.
Small talk. Not sure why but it’s incredibly difficult for me to initiate a small talk or make it flow nicely from one topic to another. It’s a reason i find myself resisting the idea of dating or simply went out to socialise, or even talk to my neighbours. The anxiety always there.
I was at the dentist office around Halloween, and there was an old lady in the waiting room with me. She was a small talker and I learned something from this exchange.
“Oh, don’t their decorations look cute!”
“Yes, I love Halloween!”
“Oh, yes, all the kids in their cute costumes. Do you have children?”
"Yes but they are older now, youngest in high school "
It was like she had practiced for a long time, wasn’t like she was intrusive or pushy, just light conversation, and it is a SKILL not a talent. You can do it. Look around and comment on something. Practice. ETA: you don’t have kids so the dance move would be “No, do you have kids or grandkids?” It can keep going without you sharing, it’s sort of a game I think.
Also find people who don’t need the silence filled, people who like to just sit with you and not talk, not everyone needs that small talk - I think it’s fun but don’t need it, am comfortable with silence too. Just remember it’s a skill you can learn, like cooking. You can even learn to enjoy it if you don’t feel like it’s mandatory.
God, where would I even begin? I hate almost everything about myself.
One big thing I cannot stand is how emotionally overreactive I am. When I get upset about something, I get so deeply and incredibly upset to the point where it doesn’t even make sense. I feel things way too incredibly deeply and I hate it.
Another is that I endlessly frustrate myself by being lonely, but at the same time never putting myself out there to try to meet new people. But I hate new people and getting to know them. I only like people that I already know well.
And to top it all off, I made the mistake of letting someone get too close to my heart only for them to leave me. It’s not even their fault because they are literally just my coworker…we weren’t even friends outside of work. But I made the mistake of liking them and getting close to them. And if I can’t even handle that with just a coworker, I don’t know how I could ever put myself out there to be vulnerable for a relationship more than that knowing that they might leave me.
My insurance changes Jan 1st and I’m going to really try to give therapy a go this time around when I get my updated insurance info. I tried months back but quit after one session after seeing the price. Honestly I wonder if I need pills or something because I am just so incredibly frustrated with life and everything and I can’t stop crying like an idiot.
Good luck buddy! Therapy really helped me, although it might take a few tries to find a therapist you like.
Good luck on your journey! Therapy is expensive and it can take a while until you find the right therapist. But it will be worth it, trust me.
The crippling depression that’s completely stopped me from functioning in any meaningful way. That’s definitely the big one.
My immediate problem is I have an extremely hard time asking for help, in any context. I think it stems from trust issues. My immediate thought when something needs to be done is “I will do it, or it won’t be done and I will deal with that outcome”, because I think the chances someone else will actually do it when asked, the way I want it done, are pretty low.
Makes you a rock star at work until you break under that expectation you set. Makes for weird relationship dynamics when you help all the time and never ask/expect that it will be reciprocated. It’s just not a great position for fostering healthy interpersonal dynamics in general. I’d argue that it might also sap energy from working towards some things you want done, and are unhappy, deep down, are left undone.
I think there’s even a name for it - helper syndrome or something. It’s a weird “It actually works pretty well, until it doesn’t” position.
It’s difficult for me too sometimes. I was sick so I was trying to figure out who should I ask to bring me some medicine from pharmacy or whether to not ask anyone. Maybe I could go there myself even though I was very sick or maybe I could be without medicine. Finally I asked a friend. I almost didn’t ask her because I didn’t want to bother her and I would’ve hated it if she said no.
Oh hey you’re me? I am working on this with my therapist right now and we’ve been thinking it’s a trauma response from a mix of my mother being a leech, being constantly abandoned as a kid, and the subsequent need for control with a dozen or two little side dishes in there to flesh out the ‘I will never ask for help’ dinner.
I’m a complete recluse. My own family never sees me for days on end, because leaving my room for almost any reason gives me extreme anxiety. My parents always fought a lot growing up and it became my safe space to escape from it, but now it’s a problem. They’re divorced, but I still can’t make myself come out more than a few times a week, besides going to work. I always feel ashamed never being able to come out, but the anxiety is paralyzing. My ADHD also makes my life hell, as well as depression.
The longer I know someone/the closer they are with me, the harder time I have acting like myself around them. It gives me anxiety trying to just act like a normal person, I’m suddenly monotone and so muted people can’t hear me.
My family, most longest/closest friends…it’s like they actually don’t know who I am. And my parents are getting older and I can’t act remotely happy or even awake around them. Been this way my whole life.
Sounds like you need some self love! Don’t beat yourself up if you think someone isn’t going to like you because you’re goofy.
At the end of the day, the people you surround yourself with should be people who love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
You’re probably the most normal person in this thread lol
Maybe I didn’t explain myself. The people I should be most comfortable around, i can’t bring myself to talk to them or be myself. But newer friends/girlfriends see me as however I am. But my family, long term partners and oldest friends? Just see me sanded down, zero personality. I feel like that’s the opposite of normal, from everything ive seen. It’s destroyed all of my long term relationships.
Maybe it’s sort of like an addiction to the honeymoon phase? When the excitement wears off, you equate it with the relationship dying. Just guessing.
But my family, long term partners and oldest friends? Just see me sanded down, zero personality
I’m not sure I follow entirely. Is it possible you’re calling the high of adrenaline/new relationship energy “the real you” and once that wears off you’re not “yourself?”
Couldn’t it be that you, like all people, are more outgoing at some times than others? And it’s all the real you?
Holy shit… is there a name for this?? I see myself in your comment
I wish. Because it’d help me get a therapist or help them help me. My old therapist, when I was trying to explain, “the closer I get to someone, the less I can be myself around them,” said something like, “that’s an oxymoron, isn’t it?”
Or it was some shitty, offhand comment like that and then just moved on. Though this is the same guy who, the last time I ever saw him, when I was explaining how sad I felt all the time, how I’d lost all my close friendships because I turned into a shut-in, said “well maybe youre just a melancholy guy.”
I was crying at the time. He never actually helped me with anything. Never pushed me to talk about anything at all except my day to day, like, nothing-important-happened stuff. Fuck that guy.
I do need to find a new therapist, though. I’ve put it off for too long.
Very high libido.
Unless you are using it like an addiction, you just need a good match. This will be an asset to the right partner. Good luck to you.
Thanks. This is the mother of my two children and the woman I intend to be with for the rest of my life. We have a very open conversation about it and are working on it. Currently on the same page and on the right track. 😊
Thanks for your words! ❤️
PS: not an addiction, thankfully!
Good, that is good. If your kids are small, it may keep getting better - I run pretty hot, once a day lady at least and nursing kids knocked my libido down below zero. It was unsettling. The combination of stress and hormones (and coming after the high of pregnancy sex drive) was so depressing, sex was scary and uncomfortable just awful time. It does pass but feels like it won’t.
Sorry probably TMI but if you can stay connected and especially if this is a change she has gone through it will come around. Little kids are such an enormous stressful job but they do grow.
No no, not TMI. Thank you for sharing, every bit of info that helps us understand the situation is helpful.
Stress is definitely a big factor in our case. Lots of stressful circumstances. But intimacy for me is a stress reliever, whereas it seems like the opposite to her. So that’s been a big issue for a while.
I’ve lurked a lot in r/deadbedrooms in the past year. A lot of advice there can sometimes make you lose hope. “Just leave him/her. You’re not compatible.” I’ve not posted there myself, and probably for the best. But it has been somewhat insightful.
It has come to a head for me a few times in the past year, where I’ve broken down and told her intimacy has to escalate soon. We need to do something here. I need to know what she wants and she needs to know what I want so we can rebuild and increase the intimacy frequency and quality.
So we have sort of a plan now and it’s working pretty well so far. Wheels are turning. I just hope we can stay the course.
Good. I guess I should say there are actually two conditions under which my sex drive has failed completely, the other time was when I was working 4 jobs, and sex began to feel like just one more thing I had to do, instead of a source of relief. You guys don’t have a fundamental mismatch, right? r/deadbedrooms is sort of a cesspool.
They are right that you cannot reconcile a once a week person with a twice a day person though - someone is going to be unsatisfied in that situation. So unhappy it wrecks their life? Maybe not, I made 20 years with a once a week guy, was frustrated but that wasn’t really what broke us. Could have gone on like that, without it being a huge issue, I have hands and that’s still regular connection, understand? If everything else was good it was plenty good enough. But for sure it’s much less of an issue with my husband, as we wake up and do it every day before starting our day, to make sure we get off at least once with each other. Like, maybe I run slightly hotter than him but it’s close, very close.
Late, long reply…
I was working 4 jobs, and sex began to feel like just one more thing I had to do, instead of a source of relief.
4 jobs, holy… Yeah, I think that’s exactly what had happened to us/her. She has even said so, that it feels like one more thing that needs doing. Also she has a history of burning out once or twice, so things are easily triggered as stress, unfortunately.
You guys don’t have a fundamental mismatch, right? r/deadbedrooms is sort of a cesspool.
I honestly don’t know. I don’t think so, from what she tells me. Depends on what you mean I guess, but in my mind we are meant for each other, and we have told each other we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We are engaged, two kids.
Sounds to me like you are living the relationship dream, being with someone that is such a great libido match, whether low or high.
Update on our situation: in my mind we had a big setback. She said there’s a lot right now. Our original plan was too stressful, and it just felt like implicit nagging rather than explicit, but still stressful.
I agreed to one month of not even mentioning sex at all. She felt very relaxed during that month, and she seemed much happier.
Now more than a week after that month, and I finally suggested we could maybe do something saucy. Nope. Too tired, early morning for work, etc… Same excuses as always.
I’m not too hopeful anymore. Feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to start up our sex life again in 15 years when our kids are adults… While we’re young, and whatnot. 😑
