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I think I got seasonal depression and my heart literally physically hurts anytime I’m particularly sad (no medical emergency). First time in my life I’ve felt lonely after enjoying solitude forever, tho I suppose I always hung out with friends a lot more often. Not the first time I’ve been uncertain and scared about the future. Tried to cry and can’t either. Somehow much worse than the deaths of my grandparents.

I had a twitter account for awhile.

Agony. Just steady agony like physical pain but something greater than that. It takes up the physical and mental space. So there’s no room for regular living or functioning.

Being stressed enough once to sweat blood, which many doctors say is the peak of stress. I was going through the genesis of a traumatic experience which has reached new levels via length of impact, and there was an incident where a thousand people teased me over it. I was young enough that I can partially remember what happened by the fact that it ruined my school uniform beyond usability, and it was complained about for a few days by school faculty. Not that things ever toned totally down after that.

Probably one of the times I got put in the hospital for wanting to kill myself

Depression is a bitch

My current state.

I’m going through a divorce and living in my mom’s guest bedroom.

The only thing keeping me going is the dream of my very own apartment. I’ve got quite a few shitty months ahead of me before that happens. I’m losing my house, my wife, my stepkid, and my three favorite cats in the world. I hate this, but it has to happen.

Really truly honestly believed my girlfriend of 4 years was cheating on me. She was not. I had never had a panic attack before but after noticing “missing condoms” (we used them a while back and I had just forgotten) I had one. I had no idea how to handle it and it didn’t help that she was out of town. Never felt that paranoid and alone before. We are still together and have been to couples therapy for a while now. Things are good but that has to be the worst emotional state I’ve ever experienced

About 5 years ago, my Dad went into the hospital due to low oxygen levels (he had cancer), this was in the morning. I went to work and while I was working the customer had a massive stroke and died. This was while watching her grand kids. No one noticed until her daughter came home. The stress of all that combined with my Dad’s failing health brought me as close as I have ever come to a breakdown.

Grief mixed with heartbreak and murderous rage.

It was at the beginning of the pandemic when my dad died.

He was in the hospital, and i could sense he was dying, but no doctor would come to check. At the end of visiting hours i was escorted out with 3 police officers, only to get a phone call the next morning that he was, indeed, dying. I was so angry at everyone… i think ive never felt more “black” then that. I swear i could have killed anyone who got in my way for that first year after :(

I was having a stressful time with family and work related things and I couldnt sleep and didnt want to eat. It went on for maybe a week and then I started having panic attacks (which I didnt even know what that was) and I could hear music in my head. The next day I just quit on the project I was on, handed my responsibilities to someone else and maybe by the grace of God the problem was resolved. I was afraid I was going to shorten my life if I kept going. I have totally changed what we did with work, and I think I have a path to avoid what happened. This was a good helpful question to write about.

I was in a terrible mental state for around 3 years and it has changed me the future is still difficult to think about, but I am starting to feel true happiness in the present.

In 2020 I was an attorney in a family law firm and was in a long term relationship. However, that year my health was failing, I was getting migraines that acted like strokes. My body would become so weak it was essentially paralyzed, I couldn’t think or speak, and the migraine hangover would last for most of the following day. Meaning that I would be terribly slow, in pain, and couldn’t speak without stuttering or forgetting words. It felt like I was constantly changing meds and going to the doctors to get some relief.

Well that long term relationship was also fraying and to be honest was abusive. I knew this, but I NEEDED to stay because there were 3 kids who I had poured my heart and soul in for the prior 6 years. I did anything to appease their mother. She however, was being worn down by my migraines as she would often have to stop what she was doing to drive me home from work.

In July of 2020 she broke up with me while we were in the process of buying a new house ( all in my name) that would be big enough for us and our polyamours family. I couldn’t get out of the sale. I was so tired and in pain and worried about losing the kids.

I was laid off from my job a week after moving into the house. I was promised by my ex that I would be able to see the kids and be a daily part of their lives. That lasted maybe 2 months before she decided they could no longer have any form of contact with me. Their dad let me see them about 4 more times for the next year before cutting me off completely. My son and I would play games online and talk to each other on discord for hours… till his mom found out and he was forced to befriend me on all platforms. The girls I would talk to on a mobile game, their father knew… but once I had my last visit they were forced to stop. I got maybe 2 more messages from one of my kids before I lost all contact.

I wanted to die. I had no plans, but if I could have died from lack of wanting to live… it would have happened. I cried a lot and slept even more. I eventually got a new wfh job, but it was and is mind-numbing. My body could no longer handle any stress without essentially going catatonic. I couldn’t move around as much and do all of the things I needed to do without it leading to pain and I was living in this huge house meant for my family, by myself.

I started dating my partner who I had broked up with in Feb of 2020 because both of our mental health was terrible and I couldn’t handle it. She helped me stay alive. I know I was not easy to deal with as a new symptom of the migraines became extreme mood swings. Prior to being hit I would get mean, just plain mean and angry. Then after the migraine I would swing into a deep depression.

Well I started to get a hold of the migraines. I switched from regular talk therapy to EMDR therapy. ( I have CPTS from childhood events) I started to feel ok, but then my insurance stopped paying for one migraine med and I needed to switch. This is where I got the closest to dieing from lack of wanting to live. Suddenly, I started to notice my background thoughts were constantly saying " I don’t want to live", I was irritable, and could rarely get myself to eat.

I messed up at my job and made it so that I didn’t get a new project for months, completely running through my reserves. I barely ate to the point that I was shaking all the time from fatigue and I was sleeping for 20 hrs straight. It took weeks, but I got my meds changed. Unfortunately it wasn’t in time to save my finances and I was quickly in the red.

However, this is where things began to look up. I made the decision to sell the house and move in with my partner. We had planned for them to move in with me the next year, but there was no way either of us would be up for taking care of the house even if I could float to that point.

I got the house sold within a few months which was great because I had already missed a few months of mortgage, didn’t pay my phone long enough for service to be cut and to lose the # when I was able to pay again, hadn’t paid utilities in months… really I couldn’t afford even the fee to change my address with the post office.

After a year of living with my partner, I feel so much better and almost “normal”. Thinking about the future still hurts, I miss my kids so much. I feel terrible about not trying all the ways to get in touch with them, while also wishing desperately that they forget about me so that they don’t miss me.

I’m still frustrated with my body, the fact I went through 7 years of higher education and I can’t physically handle litigating or another high stress environment that is the legal field. However, now it’s just frustration and no longer a deep-seated hate that consumes my mind.

Life kinda sucks enough on its own so let’s try not to compound it with our actions towards each other.

One day between two jobs I worked 20 hours straight in a row unexpectedly, including a night shift I was wholly unprepared for, and when my husband picked me up and we got home, it was so icy on the ground on the passenger side of the car that I asked him to carry one of my bags in because it was heavy and I was afraid I’d slip. He ripped it out of my hand, snarled “What are you fucking handicapped?”, and I called him a sociopath and went to bed, whereupon he woke me up four hours later “so I didn’t waste the entire day”.

Don’t ever get married, and don’t entangle your finances with someone else. You’ll never get free.