You’re right, I desperately want reassurance. As bad as it is now, transitioning almost feels like committing suicide. Destroying my life and inviting unbearable shame. I know this is wrong, and I’m trying to change my thinking and feelings. I’ve made progress though, like you say about moving past decisions. I’m not scared anymore to be perceived as doing unmasculine things in public like crossing my legs in a femine manner, or having polished and shaped nails.

The second guessing would be easier to deal with if the dysphoria was more consistent. It can be very bad at times, such as right now, but then go away for weeks or months before roaring right back. This is how it’s been for 25 years: cope, live with it, suffer for a while, repeat. Getting older seems to be making it worse too, because it feels like I’m running out of time.

I don’t know if my relationship is going to survive me coming out, even without transitioning. If it does fall apart that might help me make that leap of faith, but for now I’m still trying to convince myself that there’s another way and that I dont have to transition. Even though I dearly wish I could.

I recently read Whipping Girl and it was incredible. I plan on reading more of Serano’s books. The Gender Dysphoria Bible is amazing too.

Thank you for the advice and sharing your experience. It means a lot.