Over the years, I’ve seen many folk talking about their relationship with femininity and how it relates to their transition and to their sense of identity, of who they are.
I’ve never understood it though. I don’t feel like I have a relationship with femininity, or at least, nothing beyond pragmatic necessity. It doesn’t relate to my sense of identity or who I am. In many ways, it feels like an obligation, rather than a source of empowerment or self understanding.
So, I’m curious how it works for other folk who find empowerment in it. What does it mean to you? How did it help you find yourself? How do you relate to femininity now vs earlier in your life?
Edit - To add some context. I’m 7 years transitioned, and “post transition” for want of a better term. I’m quite comfortable with my own relationship (or lack of it) with femininity. This is more an exercise in trying to understand different perspectives :)
What a complicated question! I don’t think we can really say that femininity (or masculinity) are needed to belong to any gender. And it is really hard to entangle all the social constructs that make us believe of femininity as something essential, as something inherently gendered. So I guess most of the time when people are talking about their own femininity, they mean how they feel at home in certain social roles or identities. But of course cis women also don’t need any femininity to be women, nor do they need to behave a certain way. It is just that identity is based on how you view yourself in relation to how other people see you. That’s why we often need to make use of these social constructs to make us feel more fitting to a certain role. Even if most strangers misgender me, I can still feel feminine and thus save my womanhood from their invalidation.
Another interesting point surely is that most transfeminine people were raised at least partly as boys. And the society constantly trying to eradicate every bit of feminine behaviour or wishes leaves a lot of transfeminine people with an open wound. I mean, even cis guys obviously suffer from this a lot because they lack the ability to connect to their own emotions or be emotionally close to others. This is a weird place for a transfeminine person to be in because you feel your own femininity but it also has been rejected, forbidden and sanctioned all of your life. This certainly needs some time to heal and I can relate to needing to reconnect with my own femininity.
That right there is the what I’m trying to get to the bottom of. So many of us talk about feeling/connecting with their femininity, etc, just like you did there, stating it an almost matter of fact way. But that’s the bit I don’t get. I’ve never felt femininity (or masculinity). I don’t feel like I was denied it, because I never experienced it to even understand the concept of desiring it.
And that’s the core of what I’m trying to explore. What is buried in that sentence? What does “feeling your own femininity” mean to you?
Kinda feel the same even if I follow some of the transfem tropes. But I think at least for me, part of the reason I find gender and feminity/masculinity is simply because my early childhood didn’t enforce those things. My mom presents in a masculine way and didn’t care if we behaved in ways not conforming to gender norms at home. If someone wanted to wear a pink one piece bathing suit, it didn’t matter if they were a boy or a girl.
Even now, the ones who tell me I should trim my nails are the women in my family, whom keep their nails short. Of course the rest of society was not as open to such behavior and I learned subconsciously to mask a lot.
Also disclaimer I don’t consider myself a woman and am pre-transition (partly because uncertainty about what I want, partly because fear of treatment by others).
Love this conversation. And I also think it’s totally a tricky one.
To me - like flora_explora, ‘feeling my own feminity’ is reclaiming feelings and aspects of myself that I felt denied, that wouldn’t match my ascribed gender.
So maybe that really is the reason, why this phrase does not resonate with you. Nowadays I also perosnally do not think of myself as feminine or masculine and only use those descriptions when I am describing myself to others who do not know me as a shorthand not because I personally ascribe to them. So I haven’t thought much about reclaiming feminity or masculinity in a while
Well, I tried to explain it via identity before i.e. feeling feminine for being externally seen as a woman or seeing myself as a woman. That’s why it is tied a lot to gender euphoria for me. But as I tried to say in my last comment, the specific trait in which I may feel feminine is arbitrarily set by societal constructs. Feeling feminine means attaining a certain identity of womanhood or femininity and thus being confirmed in my own gender identity. To give some examples when I feel feminine: having smooth skin, having a curvy body, being caring, being empathetic, looking feminine. Does this help?
Have you read Whipping Girl?
Julia Serano goes over the idea and concept femininity as it relates to ones gender identity quite a bit in the second part - “Trans women, Femininity, and feminism” starting with chapter 10.
I have, but that was years ago, when I was early in my transition. I probably should give it another read
She just released a new edition this month, coincidentally.
I saw that! It’s probably a good time to buy another copy to read then I guess :)