I’m gonna use this post as an opportunity to get some conflictions I’ve felt in my heart out into the world.
After learning that there was such things as “hot” people and “non hot” people I struggled with self image constantly.
The saying “hell is other people” really sticks with me and characterizes alot of how I would grow to view myself. In terms of my body fat, my barrel chest, my facial structure, and my thinning hair, my view point on the way I look could be characterized as unhealthy at best, and profoundly worrying at worst. In a sense, I’d fully internalized this idea that I’m not attractive.
This translates into today quite interestingly. I left my shitty job, moved to a walkable city, got back into school, got a good workout routine, I’m eating much healthier and now in seeing significant results in how my body looks.
I should be happy right? That’s the thing, I am happy. It makes me feel really good. I feel desirable and, sometimes, even a bit hot. Not movie star hot but I’ve noticed when I crack a smile at people I get a blush or an interested response rather than a neutral or just friendly one.
I guess the bulk of why I wanted to write this is because I feel conflicted about how I never overcame this negativity towards myself based on appearance. If I firmly believe others shouldn’t be judged for their outward appearances, then why couldn’t I ever internalize it, why can’t I bring my mind and subconscious understanding to reflect what I’ve been taught to believe, what I think is right.
I suppose I haven’t got a major point to make. Maybe the healthier body has made a healthier brain and that made me hate myself less. However, I think that may be too simple of an explanation. I’m just frustrated with this sense of learning that, to my subconscious anyway, the fucking shit head vapid and vain ideology infected me so much I was incapable of self love until I reached a point where I thought it was okay to do that.
Maybe you guys have some thoughts from reading this? Regardless, I hope you’re doing well comrades and I hope you’re getting fit and healthy. 
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You changed your life dramatically and found that your mental health also changed dramatically. I think that’s a reasonable thing to expect.
If I firmly believe others shouldn’t be judged for their outward appearances, then why couldn’t I ever internalize it, why can’t I bring my mind and subconscious understanding to reflect what I’ve been taught to believe, what I think is right.
Your emotions are a lot less malleable than your beliefs. To have your emotional responses to things change, you need to reinforce those changes through experience and sometimes practice. It sounds like now you’ve had that reinforcement and you’re feeling better about yourself. If you still look back and judge your previous self, that’s a response that can be unlearned as well.
It’s good to strive to rise above societal programming but don’t be so hard on yourself for succumbing to it! Most people really need outside validation and I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that, it’s very human. We’re social creatures it’s incredibly important to our development as individuals and as a species.
The other thing I’ll say is that often times unhealthy lifestyles can really affect you mentally. I know good food and exercise help my mental state a lot (even though I kinda disdain the concept).
If you feel better about yourself, and aren’t mistreating others, take the win.
No one is immune to propaganda. We all have some stupid ideas because of it. At least you care enough to try to negate that.
Don’t discount the psychological benefits of exercise either. It can improve mood long before physical changes become noticeable. And other people respond positively to confidence as well as appearance.
The promised land is breaking your mind free of it’s shackles. If you can look at a six and be disappointed they aren’t an 8 you have robbed yourself of so much potential happyness. This is why capitalism has collectively and independently moved to make us try to feel those emotions and sell us remedies to them. The body fascism just makes everything worse. That being said we do all need to be working out to the extent we can should we ever need to be punching nazis and the like.
the more i started caring about fitness the more vain and i guess bdd-mode i became because i found it was the only way i was able to make myself stick to it, internalising disgust at how i felt about myself. this isn’t something i’ve solved so it’s kind of an offhand comment but yeah. i’m not really sure what to do about it since i full well understand how this is bad intellectually but at a certain point it’s become almost reflexive.
