So you’ve read the title, let’s get some bullet point info out of the way:
- I’m pan and mostly cis, my partner knows this.
- My partner is a bi cis woman.
- We’re monogamous but have talked a little here and there about whether we’d want to open it up one day.
- She knows I’m switchy and like butt stuff.
- She does not know I crossdress and am into chastity + light exhibitionism.
- I don’t flirt with people on here, I just post pics of myself.
- I have an anxiety disorder and one of the ways it manifests is an aversion to intimate conversations (she knows this).
- This is not the first account I’ve had/first time I’ve posted pics online/etc.
I know this may not be the best place for moral discussions but it feels like my best bet. I’ve been worried about this in the past, but we’re taking steps to broaden our sexual horizons together and I think there’s a chance we may eventually get to this topic. So if we got to the point of “I want to post pictures from a session online” and I mentioned having this account and she saw it existed for a year or so, well… I can see that being a difficult thing to react to.
At the same time, though, this has really helped me gain confidence and feel like I can actually open this side of myself up to her, which I want to do! I’m just scared of rejection and our relationship is more important than any kinky stuff.
I think an important note is that I don’t consider anything I’ve done “cheating” or anywhere in that territory. I’m not out here sexting or sending private pics, I leave compliments for others and thank people for their compliments on me. But I could also completely understand someone being unhappy their partner was doing it without their knowledge.
I know one of the answers to this is, of course, “talk to her” but this is way too much to throw out all at once. Deleting it all and not telling her would be an option, but I do think it would continue to weigh on my conscience.
So my questions would be:
- Have I screwed myself (no pun intended) and the relationship by not telling her?
- If your partner did something similar (with my same hard boundaries about flirting), how would you feel?
- Any tips on how to bring this up?
First of all, don’t delete everything. I’d just create a new account. Deleting stuff on Lemmy just doesn’t work that well. All your contributions and all the contributions from people who replied to you just vanish. And people might still want to read it if you did more than just shitposting…
I have about 3 accounts. And I separate NSFW stuff, stuff I’d be ashamed of, being helpful and answering Linux questions and mundane political discussions and memes. At least a bit.
Concerning the relationship: If you want my opinion, a healthy and grownup way to treat each other is to communicate well, talk about wants and needs, opinions… But also to have your own space and privacy. So it’s neither - nor… I don’t like to tell my spouse how exactly I masturbate when that’s “me time” or which porn genre I consume how often. But I put in some effort to talk about how I feel, what I’d like to try together etc. Neither of us wants to give up our individuality and independence. However we treat each other with respect and know 100% that we can rely on each other. But each of us also gets to have some small “own” things. And I think that’s how it should be. But of course it completely depends on the personality of the two (or more) people. And you need to agree on that. It doesn’t work if one of the involved people is a bit controlling. But I mean you can also forget about the non-monogamy if someone is controlling or jealous.
This is a LOT of thought and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write it out and come back to edit it twice! I think your line “I wouldn’t feel valued as a partner if that were hidden from me” is the harsh reality at the heart of it. I’d hope my partner would understand the nuance, but I think that would be the central feeling and takeaway. Which is not great!
Writing it down is definitely something I’ve been working on in a way, yeah! I appreciate the tip. I did move things forward a little by bringing up chastity and getting a positive response. It’s a start!
You’re welcome. And if I might add something: Sounds like you’re a nice person and on the right path. All of that isn’t easy and lots of us (humans) struggle with certain things in relationships or with being ourselves. Lots of people just live with mismatched libidos and/or fantasies that they can’t share. Or lots of other woes. I think you deserve some respect for putting in the effort and wanting to address that. And who knows where this will lead? Maybe your aversion to intimate conversations can be overcome. Sometimes our weaknesses also provide us with something else. I mean this way the solution certainly won’t be gifted to you. You’d have to work (hard) for it. And usually earning things this way pays off in more than one way… I’d be optimistic about the future and the more complicated topics.
Regarding “feel[ing] valued as a partner” and “the nuance”: Also here it’s a good thing that you try to understand the perspective of your partner and wanting to respect them and doing it the correct way for them. That’s a solid foundation. I’d say: Try to not assume what they want. I myself had a good amount of misunderstandings in the past of my relationship. Things we did that we assumed the other one wanted (or didn’t), but later on it turned out neither of us liked it that way. In the end -I think- you have to arrive at some point where you’re comfortable discussing these things openly, minimize misunderstandings and accepting each other… But all of this is really easier said than done.
And looking at other couples usually gives a skewed perspective. Most people make their relationship look fine and dandy. But if you were to look past that, lots of people also struggle or have to put in effort into their relationships. I learned about that by listening to some podcasts about relationships and sex. And I found lots of similarities and issues I had and still have. (I’d recommend those podcasts, but they’re in German.) And I also have some skeletons in the closet. So despite me maybe technically knowing what’s right… Sometime it’s just not easy or I missed the opportunity to bring something up. Or life gets in the way and there are other things to worry about. But I (too) strive to become better.
So… I’d say keep up the good work. General advice applies: Good/healthy communication is key to everything. Don’t let things being hard stop you. Brace for setbacks, they’ll happen. For major setbacks you’d need a solid foundation rooted in mutual respect and acceptance plus healthy communication and maybe some prepared strategies. I’d say this is a requirement for something I’d consider as healthy non-monogamy. But it’s hard to achieve and it also takes a good amount of time to get there.
For the things you already did, there’s no way to turn back time. It happened and the only question is how to handle it. I don’t know your partner so I can’t give advice. Hide it or be honest, tell only parts of the whole story… All of that are strategies people choose. Maybe you really screwed up, that happens. Your partner gets to decide how bad it feels to them. I think the job of the people who make the mistakes is to learn and not repeat the same mistake too often. And it’s difficult to find the correct time to approach a conversation about it. Could be too early but the real threat is probably trying to reconcile when it’s too late. So maybe have a plan/schedule so you don’t postpone it indefinitely if you want to address it.
All of this is just my opinion. And what people like and are comfortable with varies a lot. So everyone has to get to know their partner(s) and make up rules between each other individually. Love, respect, acceptance and healthy communication are the underlying things. On top of that you probably can’t apply other people’s strategies and opinions to your own relationship, you have to find your own way (between the both of you) as you have to find your own path in life.
(And a last sidenote: Before proceeding to implement the non-monogamy… Make sure you can absolutely rely on the communication between the both of you. And read up a bit on what mistakes other people made so you don’t have to repeat all of them. If we’re talking about more than acting out a cuckold fantasy, it requires a good amount of trust and constant communication and detailed knowledge about the emotional world of each other.)
Yet again: I greatly appreciate you dedicating this much thought and time to this thread by a random person! The optimism of your message warms my heart.
The plan/schedule tip is good, I think you’re right about that. I’ll be working on that and how to word things over the next few days.
Keep us posted
Latest update I’ve got is that chastity stuff went well, so that’s a good start!