Thank you for your comments! I’ll try to reply to the pertinent points below:

Do you know what type of ADHD she has? Knowing that might change things a bit.

Inattentive. Being officially diagnosed hasn’t really changed a ton (it’s not like all of the sudden she changed how she acts) as we already have learned to deal with some of it, but it has helped to explain some things.

I struggle a lot with executive dysfunction, and if I’m overwhelmed it tends to compound into paralysis. I have a lot of trouble staying organized and I’m constantly losing things, which causes me to be late a lot, and when I’m late my anxiety gets worse.

I try to think about things I do every day, and make them available to do in as few steps as possible. I like to keep items I use frequently near the area I use them in, kept together with other items needed to complete the task in little “kits” so that it doesn’t take much thought to do daily stuff.

Yeah she definitely seems to have the executive dysfunction issues, can be very disorganized and have time blindness, which is nothing new. I like the idea of the kits you’re talking about, I’ll have to mention that to her (she knows I made this post as well). She doesn’t have the anxiety/depression part (although I struggle with anxiety and am on medication for it myself) so at least that is one less thing for her to deal with. I’m sorry you have those extra challenges!

Think minimalist, uncluttered, functional areas. For example, if she drinks coffee every morning, have the mugs on a stand near the coffee maker, have the coffee already in the coffee maker so she only needs to start it, and keep any sweeteners, etc she always uses near the mugs.

Another example, going to work is particularly stressful for me, so I try to lessen the amount of decisions and prep I have to do before hand. Getting all of my clothes and things I bring to work together the night before I have to work helps me a lot, because it lessens the chances of me being late, which helps with the anxiety overall.

For me, it feels like every decision I have to make, every lost item I have to find, every time I leave the room to get something and immediately forget what I went to get, my energy is drained. So minimizing these problems makes everything so much easier.

It’s funny, I’m definitely more of the minimalist in our relationship, while she is the pack rat. Areas being super cluttered definitely ups my anxiety and stress, and it has definitely led to friction. I like to put things away when I’m done with them or when I first come home, but she’ll just put stuff down and then almost becomes blind to it being there while it’s seriously stressing me out. I know I haven’t handled those situations in the best way in the past, but I am really trying to focus on the fact that now we know for sure that it is the ADHD.

When I have tried to help my putting her things away, it never seems to end well. Either I end up putting them somewhere that makes sense to me but not her, or I ask her what to do with it and it feels like I’m judging/attacking her. It has turned in to me basically ignoring her piles of clutter (other then to make them a little tidier on whatever surface they are on) and just straightening up my and our son’s stuff (or family stuff that I know clearly where it goes) while cleaning around them. Do you have any suggestions for good neutral questions to ask that would help her not feel like I’m shaming or attacking her for the stuff being out?

I have found that doing what I can to help her get prepared the night before or morning of she has something to do has helped, as well as minimizing the amount of questions I have to ask so she has less of a mental load. I can be a bit of an idiot sometimes so I had fallen into a bad habit of just asking her stuff that I probably could figure out on my own, so I am doing my best to change that.

If I’m really struggling, a messy area makes anything I have to do so much worse. If I feel like I can’t do anything at all and the room is dirty and chaotic, everything is going to be so much harder. I don’t know if your wife’s symptoms are similar to mine, but if I’m a zombie and I can’t do anything and I’m doomscrolling Lemmy too much, having my partner help me by tidying the area around me makes a big difference. I feel like I can function a bit better.

Honestly, I feel like this is me! Somehow, she functions better in a cluttered environment than me, almost like she’s blind to it (I think I may have mentioned that so apologies).

There are times when I look like I’m being lazy, but I’m not. I might look like I’m just sitting around doing nothing or scrolling or playing some dopamine-extracting game all day, but in my head I’m thinking about how I want to do everything and I’m screaming at myself to do something, but I just…can’t. I don’t know if she has exacutive dysfunction like I do, but when it happens to me, I appreciate that my partner doesn’t make it worse by making me feel guilty about being “lazy,” because it’s not laziness at all.

I’d like to think I’m pretty good about this - my wife works so hard and I try to remind her of that and thank her for it as well, instead of just taking it for granted. Over the weekend she had a number of things she wanted to do but was having trouble getting started, so I told her to just pick one, do it, and to try not to feel bad about not doing the others. We both are trying to be kinder to ourselves in that way, as we both tend to push ourselves and feel guilty when we don’t get as much done as we’d like.

Another thing my partner does that helps me with executive dysfunction is to just…put stuff near me. I like to paint, so if I’m stuck in “couch mode” too long, my partner will get my painting supplies and put everything I need within my reach. Eliminating steps really makes it easier to break the trance, and sometimes I’ll just start painting without thinking about it.

Sometimes decision making is particularly difficult for me and it requires a lot of mental energy when I’m feeling especially bad. If this is an issue for her, I would suggest trying to make choices as simple as possible. For example, instead of saying “what do you want for dinner?” you could say “I’m feeling like Italian or Chinese food tonight, do either of those sound good to you?” I feel like my mental energy is limited, especially if I’m in a depression, and making decisions simpler helps preserve it.

These are some very good ideas, thank you! I have found it helps to have my own suggestions for things instead of always asking her what she wants, and I’ll have to try to do that even more. I find my mental energy gets limited for that kind of stuff too thought, sometimes. Aren’t we quite a pair? LOL

You both might like the “How to ADHD” channel on YouTube. She talks about ADHD from a woman’s perspective and some of her advice has been helpful for me. I sometimes show some of her videos to my partner because it helps him understand how I feel and think a bit better.

And of course, if you can, get her into counseling and/or medication as soon as possible.

Yep, she already watches that channel and I really need to start. As far as counseling/medication, she is looking into it. She is a little resistant to just jump to medication but she is coming around to the idea. Right now, the doctor who diagnosed her just said to give it a little time to process, but can provide her with some counseling/medication resources when she is ready. She already sees a therapist semi-regularly who has some experience with ADHD, so hopefully she can get some support there as well.

Soooo yeah. Long response but I hope some of it was useful. Your wife is really lucky to have a partner who is making an effort to help and understand. Having support is so important. I wish you both luck! ADHD is not fun but there are ways to make it much easier. Feel free to AMA if I can help you in any way!

Eh, I’m just a guy who can definitely do better, but thank you. And thank you for all of your comments. Do you have any other coping strategies you’ve come up with that you find helpful?

Aw thank you. I am by no means perfect and I make a lot of mistakes and say the wrong thing but I try.

Thank you also for your comments.

It really helps me that my husband understands that I can get overstimulated or overwhelmed and then I’m kind of useless until I recharge. So I can just tell him “I’ve reached my limit” and he knows to take over for a bit. It could be with parenting or cleaning or anything. I’ll go rest and then help out when I’m back to having energy. I know this is just simple communication, but it helps him to understand I’m not just being lazy.

It’s funny, when it comes to social situations, this is more me than her. For parenting, we both definitely have our limits and try to give each other time to take a break and recharge, and I try to handle most of the cleaning/straightening up. The problem I often run into is when it comes to her stuff - she is definitely a bit cluttered and once something has just been sitting for a day or two, it is like she gets a blindness towards it, meanwhile it’s driving me crazy that it hasn’t been put away. However, when I try to put her stuff away it never ends well, either I don’t know where to put it (because she doesn’t have a spot for it) or I say the wrong thing in trying to ask her what to do with it. Do you have any suggestions on how to help support her straightening up her items without making her feel judged or pressured?

He is also a great sounding board. I can come to him and say “my thoughts are all over the place, and I feel paralyzed” and he will just sit there and listen while I verbally vomit, then he tries to help me organize my thoughts/figure out the next step.

How does he help you organize your thoughts? Just curious if there is a line of questioning that you find useful or what.

And the last thing is just patience. I get that it can be frustrating when your spouse constantly loses things and needs reminders. He is so patient and helps me all the time. He truly understand it’s a disability for me, and he loves me regardless.

Haha yeah, there is a lot of forgetting stuff and me needing to remind her to do stuff, I don’t mind a ton but it can get frustrating, especially when it feels like I’m supposed to be the one remembering ‘everything’. I feel like we have got a good system down in that I usually try to handle keeping our calendar up-to-date and reminding her of stuff on the calendar.