My biggest actual goal with raising my kids. I wanna make sure they want to come home and hang. Okay, maybe second biggest after the obvious “making sure they’re an individual who is equipped to make sound decisions and care for themselves.”
Keep your fridge stocked with their favorite stuff. The way to anyone’s heart is through the stomach.
My dad stopped buying chocolate milk a few years ago and now they wonder why I don’t visit them as much. I’m 34 and chocolate milk is still a great incentive. Shit’s expensive.
Way too often “make sound decisions and care for themselves” really just means “be productive and ACQUIRE RESOURCES” in our society.
Once you shed that programming (I had to, at least) it becomes that much more sad realizing how unnecessary so much of the world’s terrible shit is.
Edit: I meant to add that in addition to acquiring resources, you are to “do the things that are expected of a good person.” That was the hardest for me to shake, whether the expectations were real or only perceived/imagined.
I doubt your being queer was a decision at all, and therefore doesn’t fall under the criteria. Now things like “don’t rent to own your furniture,” or “meth is not a good idea” are tools for their tool box when it comes to making a good or bad decision.
As somebody who had a traumatic upbringing (lost dad at a young age, mom allowed an abusive father figure into our lives, grew up closeted LGBT with a very right wing Christian mother), it honestly feels weird and almost alien seeing people with good, healthy relationships with their parent or parents. I can’t deny there’s occasional jealousy, but just the thought of having the desire to just, be with my mom and do stuff with her? It’s one that never crosses my mind.
Like I’ll see folks online talking about their parents and how they see them as close friends in their adulthoods, and that’s always righteous to see! But then I look at the woman who called me a selfish attention seeking brat when I admitted to her I’d nearly blasted my brains open with a shotgun (at the time I was trapped in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship), and I can’t really bring myself to call her my friend. Just the idea of hanging out with her, watching movies or playing games… It just feels strange.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and it’s no surprise you feel that way. Though I didn’t experience a fraction of the trauma you did, I ended up in a similar place in terms of my relationship with my own parents.
My upbringing and the resulting way I feel towards my parents definitely instilled a desire in me to not repeat their mistakes, and I was mostly successful at that, though I know I did repeat a few, and managed to make plenty of my own wholly original mistakes as I’ve helped to raise my kids.
I don’t know if you are or plan to become a parent, but I hope that you are someday able to experience a healthy parent/child dynamic from one side or another.
Haven’t had the desire nor intent to have children, myself, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless. My experiences taught me that family is what you make of it, and I’ve a family of my own sort full of the kindest, most helping and understanding people I know. While I won’t experience a healthy “parent/child” dynamic myself, I’ve made peace with that. I’ve got a life of my own to make, and I’ve found the best people to spend it with.
Take pride in what you’re doing, mate. Even with the mistakes you’re hinting at, you’re going at it with the right mindset, the ideal attitude, and your kids will certainly appreciate what you’re doing for them. Breaking the cycle of abuse/familial trauma is not an easy task, nor is it something many people even realize is something they can or should do, so to see a parent being determined to break that cycle always warms my heart.
This is the happiest a comment has made me all day. I am so glad you found the family you weren’t born into. I’m a middle aged dad of a 7 year old, and I can’t imagine how broken inside somebody has to be to traumatize their own child like that. In many cases I think it is a cycle of abuse, so good on you for breaking the cycle whether you ever have/adopt kids or not.
When your kids are grown, the very idea that they want to hang out with you is an immense source of pride.
My biggest actual goal with raising my kids. I wanna make sure they want to come home and hang. Okay, maybe second biggest after the obvious “making sure they’re an individual who is equipped to make sound decisions and care for themselves.”
Keep your fridge stocked with their favorite stuff. The way to anyone’s heart is through the stomach.
My dad stopped buying chocolate milk a few years ago and now they wonder why I don’t visit them as much. I’m 34 and chocolate milk is still a great incentive. Shit’s expensive.
Username checks out
I think this is a super common goal; Lots of terrible parents have it.
The problems come in when “equipped to make sound decisions and care for themselves” is interpreted way too seriously.
For instance, my being queer was not a sound decision for me to make.
Way too often “make sound decisions and care for themselves” really just means “be productive and ACQUIRE RESOURCES” in our society.
Once you shed that programming (I had to, at least) it becomes that much more sad realizing how unnecessary so much of the world’s terrible shit is.
Edit: I meant to add that in addition to acquiring resources, you are to “do the things that are expected of a good person.” That was the hardest for me to shake, whether the expectations were real or only perceived/imagined.
I doubt your being queer was a decision at all, and therefore doesn’t fall under the criteria. Now things like “don’t rent to own your furniture,” or “meth is not a good idea” are tools for their tool box when it comes to making a good or bad decision.
As somebody who had a traumatic upbringing (lost dad at a young age, mom allowed an abusive father figure into our lives, grew up closeted LGBT with a very right wing Christian mother), it honestly feels weird and almost alien seeing people with good, healthy relationships with their parent or parents. I can’t deny there’s occasional jealousy, but just the thought of having the desire to just, be with my mom and do stuff with her? It’s one that never crosses my mind.
Like I’ll see folks online talking about their parents and how they see them as close friends in their adulthoods, and that’s always righteous to see! But then I look at the woman who called me a selfish attention seeking brat when I admitted to her I’d nearly blasted my brains open with a shotgun (at the time I was trapped in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship), and I can’t really bring myself to call her my friend. Just the idea of hanging out with her, watching movies or playing games… It just feels strange.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and it’s no surprise you feel that way. Though I didn’t experience a fraction of the trauma you did, I ended up in a similar place in terms of my relationship with my own parents.
My upbringing and the resulting way I feel towards my parents definitely instilled a desire in me to not repeat their mistakes, and I was mostly successful at that, though I know I did repeat a few, and managed to make plenty of my own wholly original mistakes as I’ve helped to raise my kids.
I don’t know if you are or plan to become a parent, but I hope that you are someday able to experience a healthy parent/child dynamic from one side or another.
Haven’t had the desire nor intent to have children, myself, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless. My experiences taught me that family is what you make of it, and I’ve a family of my own sort full of the kindest, most helping and understanding people I know. While I won’t experience a healthy “parent/child” dynamic myself, I’ve made peace with that. I’ve got a life of my own to make, and I’ve found the best people to spend it with.
Take pride in what you’re doing, mate. Even with the mistakes you’re hinting at, you’re going at it with the right mindset, the ideal attitude, and your kids will certainly appreciate what you’re doing for them. Breaking the cycle of abuse/familial trauma is not an easy task, nor is it something many people even realize is something they can or should do, so to see a parent being determined to break that cycle always warms my heart.
This is the happiest a comment has made me all day. I am so glad you found the family you weren’t born into. I’m a middle aged dad of a 7 year old, and I can’t imagine how broken inside somebody has to be to traumatize their own child like that. In many cases I think it is a cycle of abuse, so good on you for breaking the cycle whether you ever have/adopt kids or not.