it’s just the bad ones in my experience

I think some people’s self-worth relies on them being “good”/right/perfect, so they can’t apologize without also hurting themselves. I don’t really get it either, because in my experience being able to apologize when you need to, is a huge strength. People will overlook almost any mistake you’ve made when they know that you feel bad about it, instead of having it turn into an useless conflict.

Even if you don’t feel like apologizing surely you can say “I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’ll try not to do it again” or even “I didn’t mean to hurt you but I don’t really care about your feelings/I think you’re being unreasonable” so you know where they stand.

What would it help if they apologize if they don’t mean it/see what they did wrong? If it wasn’t person As intention to hurt person B, but B insists that person A apologizes, it would result in A apologizing for Bs feelings aka “I’m sorry you feel this way”. I don’t think that that’s better.

If I have acted in a way that has resulted in someone feeling hurt, I am empathetic to their pain. If my choices could reasonably be attributed to negligence or malice I believe it is my responsibility to apologize.

There is an exception however. I will not apologize simply because someone is hurt unless I have done something I can consider “fault”. I may not apologize but I will try to find a way to express my sympathize & if possible look for ways to avoid the same result in the future.

There are plenty of people who will use their pain (real or fake or mixtures) to try to avoid personal responsibilities or externalize their problems. Gaslighting uses this. People CAN gaslight unintentionally even. For both parties I think it’s important to apologize when you have knowingly or unknowingly done something wrong, but be careful taking on responsibility for hurt when it is not yours to take on.

Depends on the situation. For instance if my going to work causes someone else to get hurt and cry because I’m triggering their abandonment issues… I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you, I wish it didn’t, but I’m going to have to go to work again.

So if I just do a blanket apology, it will feel hollow since the action MUST happen again.

If I say sorry I hurt your feelings, it also feels hollow because I’m not acknowledging responsibility.

In situations like this displaying empathy and not apologizing are the best because your not making a promise it won’t happen again, but you are trying to help someone navigate the emotional situation, and hopefully build the tools to handle this in the future.