That is, wife (43) and daughter (12). Told them I was re-evaluating myself and who I wanted to be, and that I wanted to try being “cuter” (didn’t quite have the courage to go further), and that perhaps men’s clothing didn’t suit me.
The wife was mostly “yeah, right” – seemed happy that I was trying to improve myself but seems to think it’s just a phase (maybe it is? idk).
But my daughter was right on board! Came up with a load of outfit and makeup suggestions, and proposed going to an anime convention together, dressed up. I asked her if she’d think it was weird for me to go about dressed as a gothic lolita, and the response was “no, I think it’d be cute.”
So next step is maybe cute anime girl cosplay at home, with an ally!
I’m literally shaking with … excitement? fear? relief? I have no idea. Ohgodohgodohgod what am I doing…
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Honestly, I’m proud of you, but be careful with what your wife really thinks. My dad brought that up to my mom after 20 years and their relationship is as cold as ice now. She basically said that “he lied to me, by not being upfront when we got married… “ basically she supports it, but it’s not what she wanted in a relationship.
I know you’re probably looking for feel good responses, as it’s a big step, but I had to throw this out there because I’ve seen it personally.
I’d even recommend talking about this with her one to one as quickly as is reasonably and respectfully possible. It will be better if she is not allowed to emotionally stew in this revelation to arrive at the mentioned conclusion.
She needs to know it won’t go away and it changes literally nothing about the marriage or feelings
Oh it’s been quite a few years (decade?) and I’m a grown adult now. There isn’t any recovering from that. I didn’t find out about it until she randomly dropped it on me.
This is definitely one of those truths. In situations like this, it’s both right that someone should be their best happiest self…but it’s also true the other partner had their own expectations for a relationship, which might not be one where she’s partnered to someone taking their life in a wildly different direction than what was expected early in the relationship.
It’s a case where neither party is necessarily wrong, but things can end up hurting on both sides. Kind of like if other things were thought to be communicated early on, and is changed…like someone saying they’re child free then trying to have a baby, or someone saying they intend to focus on career then doing something to wildly impact finances of the couple. Changing one’s mind isn’t wrong, nor is growing and learning about yourself, it’s natural, but it can cause an incompatibly to pop up in a relationship that hurts or ends it, esp if it’s not talked about, and esp if it’s on a topic that greatly changes the nature of a relationship from the original agreement or assumptions and beliefs.
Thank you for understanding it and stating it more eloquently than I could. I was scared to bring it up for being “too negative” but I lived through seeing things more closely than I cared to.
No, you’re right - a large part of my recent panic has been “what if this destroys my family”, and I know that’s still on the cards. I thought about how I’d have reacted in the past if she’d come out as a trans man (probably very badly, although I’d be fine with it now), but eh, we’ve had our crises in the past (more than a few caused by my unhappiness) and pulled through. Que sera sera, and I’m cool with that.
excitement? fear? relief?
It’s probably everything at once. 😅
I’m proud of you!
The first time coming out is always the hardest. I’m glad to hear that it went decently well!
We all take a different path. We all decide how far down the path we will walk. All journeys start with a courageous first step. I’m so happy for you☺️. It took me over a decade to get to where I am. Today is the day I get to petition the court to change my name. I never thought I’d ever find myself here. I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I can only hope you find that same comfort. No matter how long or short your journey. 🏳️⚧️
Sempai, that’s awesome!
I was in and out in like ten minutes and I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry I’m so overwhelmed with emotion. I just have to wait for a letter in the mail that shouldn’t take more than a week or two then I can get my documents changed starting with ss card and drivers license. 😆
Congratulations :)
What a rad daughter
I know! This could be a really good bonding experience.
Thats awesome
So happy for you!! It’s amazing that your daughter is so enthusiastically supportive of your journey in self discovery :) that support is invaluable. It sounds like you have some great ideas on ways you can explore your gender and examine your gender feelings in an environment that feels safe with support from your family.
Processing your gender as you explore it is hard, and I can understand how it can be hard for spouses as well. However, your wife should be patient and understanding with you, and when you tell her that this is a serious thing for you and you need her genuine support through this. It’s not fair to you to get the “Yeah right” treatment about this. It will take time for her to process, that’s fair. But she shouldn’t diminish your feelings through this. I hope she lends you full support in whatever you choose to do, even in the event of going to a con in full Gothic Lolita 😊 which btw sounds absolutely amazing haha. My exploration of gender was very quiet and at home and normative. I only started really expressing myself through fashion and presentation a lot this year.
Thanks for the kind words. To be fair I framed it more as “I’m thinking about trying this out” rather than “I’m gonna be a girl now”, but here’s hoping she comes around.
