The American gamble has failed for me

It was as soon as the first year of middle school when I began having suicidal thoughts, due to bullying for my Asian race. I think that’s when my life began its downward spiral.

Perhaps because of all that bullying, I’ve always sought to become a buddhist monk, repulsed by the whites, blacks, hispanics, and even some asians around me. The general public of America.

If I have nothing, then I have nothing to lose, was my reasoning.

After graduating from high school, I planned to spend the rest of my life inside of my personal room alone with my PC.

But in the end, I’m still a slave to my desires. I want money, women, power.

Is it my genetics protesting against my logic to starve myself, hallucinating all of these vtuber / idol females around me, calling out to me? Perhaps it’s my DNA’s way of wanting to serve its purpose in reproduction, even if it’s through rape.

Emotions against logic / reasoning.

blacks have their issues, but they have a massively greater population than us, they have a support system, they have the numbers to back themselves up. but someone like me? i’m all alone in america, the internet isn’t really a good place to bond with people. my father has always advised me, all the “friends” you meet online are fake. i always wanted to reject that idea, because i have made some good friends in the past in mmorpgs, but when tough times call, will they actually bail me out of a bad situation?

If there’s a greater purpose I want to serve, it’s not to go insane from a wageslave job.

I want to advocate for our rights to legal euthanasia in America.

No, I don’t want to kill myself right now. Maybe future technology and medicine will find a way to cure my mental illnesses, maybe future technology will bring paradise to earth.

But that’s not really guaranteed. The future could be worse than we imagine, with world war three.

I got my account on sanctionedsuicide banned, I need to create a new account there and build up to 200 posts so I can access the hidden sub again and access the links to finding poison on the darkweb that I lost.

I’ll probably keep the poison somewhere hidden in my room, just in case.

The next time I’m sent to the psych ward, and my parents see another huge medicial bill, I might really go homeless. And I’d rather kill myself.

I don’t want to burden my parents further, or anyone else.

Considering how the FBI probably monitors me for being a potential threat, and me being banned from owning firearms due to being involuntarily committed to psych wards in the past.

Haven’t I lived and fought long enough? 25+ years…