I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
I detransitioned for almost a year because of my own self-doubt and confusion. When it really came down to it, separated from everything else, I absolutely hated everything about being a man. I hated my body, I hated the way I felt, I hated the way people talked to me. It felt like living a fake life meant for someone else. Like abandoning everything I actually cared about because something else was easier.
That was 8 years ago and I don’t doubt myself much anymore. But when I do I try to break it down. Everyone in my life knows me as a woman. That fact never bothers me. I’m very affirmed in the feminization of my body and feel confident when I embrace it. I don’t like being called a man, or having he/him pronouns used on me. I dream of being a mother. I see myself aging as a woman.
None of those things really has to do with “being trans”. It all has to do with me, with how I feel, with what I like and what I want and what I want to be. Those things inform what I should do to have a happy life. Being a woman has allowed me to be happy. So I do those things and embraced my own identity as a woman. It’s not a matter of empirical standards or some form of self evaluation. It’s a product of doing what you truly want to, of letting yourself be the you who is happy.