So I’m not a particuarly sexual person, not asexual, but my views on sex just seem so different to the norm. I don’t find sex jokes and things funny and don’t really like to talk about or have sex, and I hardly ever think about it. (And quite frankly, I’ve never enjoyed it and don’t ever really try to pursue it).
I went to a party yesterday and we played one of those Jackbox games, it was really crude and sexual and I just didn’t “get” it. A question came up “What is your ideal sex location” and I just flat out have never thought of that before. Like, is this sort of thing something that people usually think about? Everyone else in the room seemed to have an instant go-to answer, but I just didn’t know.
A mate of mine made fun of me, implying I was a virgin for not thinking about sex enough apparently. It was just really gross and juvenile and I can’t stop thinking about it. Like, he treated my lack of “getting it” as a moral failing or something, something to be ashamed of.
It’s been on my mind all day, just really upsetting and I don’t really know why. I guess it’s the implication that I’m less of a man or something for not spending all my time trying to get laid. We’re in our late 20s/early 30s, so I was really surprised to hear this kind of immature teenage shit coming out of a close friend, it felt kind of like he was letting me know how he “really feels” with that one line, when he normally holds his tongue.
It just feels so gross, like the idea that I need to go out and have sex in order to be considered more of a person to him. I might be overthinking it, but it just…hurts in a way I can’t really describe easily. Which is why I’m writing this nonsense, to share my thoughts, and hopefully hear some ideas from other people about this sort of thing. Am I being the weird one here? Should I just “toughen up” or something and try and get a partner or go looking for a one night stand or something? I’ve always thought of myself as straight and cis, but my attitudes towards sex just seem so different from the norm. I feel like a failure of a person right now, though hopefully that’s just because I’m really exhausted and low on energy.
As someone who is ace, I’ve experienced similar, although being female in my case it was a little different. As a teenage girl/young woman, I was put under so much pressure (from both men who fancied me, and other women) to have a boyfriend and a sex life. The general impression I got from all these people was that there are many desperate, thirsty men around who want a girlfriend/sex, and so no vagina should be allowed to go unused. I should not be selfishly hoarding up my body, but should find a male or males to share it with. There also seemed to be an element of other girls wanting me safely paired up with my own boyfriend so I wouldn’t be at risk of stealing theirs. The amount of pressure I was put under was intense and lasted years. I’d never heard of asexuality at the time (90s/early 00s) so I thought there must be something wrong with me that I wasn’t interested. So I ended up having unwanted sex, trying to cure myself. It didn’t work and I wish I could take it back.
There was even an incident, when I was 16, when a female “friend” bought me drinks all night long until I was so drunk I was paralytic, and then when I was in no position to resist, told me she had arranged for me and a male friend to sleep over at her house tonight and she was going to make sure he and I lost our virginities to each other. I told her no, I don’t want to sleep with him. She refused to take no for an answer, and he was eager to do this to me. Yes, they got me drunk and planned to rape me. Luckily a real friend came along, found out what was happening and rescued me before it was too late. I’ve had various other incidents too. Basically some sexual people cannot stand other people being non-sexual and will bully, shame and even try to force us to engage.
It’s good that people nowadays are more educated about different sexualities so they know there is nothing wrong with them. If you don’t want a partner or sex, do not have them. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured. And maybe find some better friends.