We were in the same class and I thought she was pretty and started chatting with her and trying to … I don’t know, you know, get to know someone well enough to start a relationship with them. However you do that – I still do not know.

I was also going through a period of severe depression and a period of severe vodka-in-the-morning alcoholism to compensate. I was not at my best. I remember every time I talked to her, and she seemed pleasant enough and friendly enough the whole time. At some point she mentioned she had a boyfriend, ok, cool; so what is the move here? completely stop talking to her? continue talking in a normal way? I attempted the latter, a few weeks later I got an official letter from the school saying she was concerned about “unwanted in-person contact and indirect contact with [me], which she deems to be harassing in nature” and I needed to sign a thing to never talk to her again.

I have a few unresolved points I can’t get over:

  • How am I supposed to continue existing knowing this occurred? I was labelled god-knows-what, I mentally carry it around like a scarlet letter. Is this the intended effect?

  • How am I supposed to enter a healthy relationship at this point? Do I still deserve love? Are you sure?

  • I am sober now, I am going to therapy, and so on, i am no longer a threat to society, etc etc

  • How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?

  • How can I not continually hate myself forever?

  • eek2121@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    8 months ago

    Let me play a bit of devil’s advocate: what if he/she just wanted to get coffee and was looking to be just friends?

    If he actually made an advance on you, that would be different, but as an older adult, if I meet someone and want to get to know them, I will likely ask them to get coffee or a meal. As long as you have made it clear there is no romantic interest, there is nothing wrong with getting coffee or food with someone.

    I’ve done so numerous times and have been able to make some great friends, both women and men, along the way.

    After all, how are you supposed to get to know someone unless you have a way to spend time with them?

    FWIW one friend I actually used to have dinner regularly with before I moved. We also used to see movies and do other stuff like that together.I am married, she is not. We have zero romantic interest in each other. We just shared similar interests. I have been friends with her for 20 years.

    Sometimes you just need friends, and not every guy wants all guy friends and that applies to men, women, and everything in between.

    Of course if he makes it clear he wants more, all bets are off.

    • Thrillhouse@lemmy.worldEnglish
      0·
      8 months ago

      Oh I have friends of different genders - I know how it works.

      This person, for me, has made it clear they want to relitigate high school and started, without any invitation or explanation, randomly trash talking someone we went to high school with. I didn’t respond. Like what am I supposed to say to that? It’s not a positive person I want to hang with. I think they got stuck in our small town and are fixated on the past.

      I think when I say I don’t have time because of personal issues and explain what those issues are (impending death in the family), that is a clear sign to the other person to not bother me until I reach out, especially since they are just a former classmate. We never really hung out.

      There is a bit of social “take the hint” skill required, and people need to be aware of the general vibes they are giving. I don’t want to hear negativity if I don’t have a previously established relationship with you. I think some people try to jump the gun on friendship. In the early stages, as acquaintances, if I’m being nice it doesn’t mean I want to hear about all of your problems.

      Establishing a trusting, reciprocal friendship takes time and I think people who have social challenges are often not aware that they are coming on too strong and too fast.