We were in the same class and I thought she was pretty and started chatting with her and trying to … I don’t know, you know, get to know someone well enough to start a relationship with them. However you do that – I still do not know.

I was also going through a period of severe depression and a period of severe vodka-in-the-morning alcoholism to compensate. I was not at my best. I remember every time I talked to her, and she seemed pleasant enough and friendly enough the whole time. At some point she mentioned she had a boyfriend, ok, cool; so what is the move here? completely stop talking to her? continue talking in a normal way? I attempted the latter, a few weeks later I got an official letter from the school saying she was concerned about “unwanted in-person contact and indirect contact with [me], which she deems to be harassing in nature” and I needed to sign a thing to never talk to her again.

I have a few unresolved points I can’t get over:

  • How am I supposed to continue existing knowing this occurred? I was labelled god-knows-what, I mentally carry it around like a scarlet letter. Is this the intended effect?

  • How am I supposed to enter a healthy relationship at this point? Do I still deserve love? Are you sure?

  • I am sober now, I am going to therapy, and so on, i am no longer a threat to society, etc etc

  • How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?

  • How can I not continually hate myself forever?

  • iarigby@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    8 months ago

    She might’ve been too scared to confront you in person. If you were so deep into substance abuse your brain chemistry was completely different and your comprehension of reality is skewed. This also includes things like you not being receptive to hints that she wasn’t comfortable talking to you.

    Alcoholism is really tough and it’s hard to understand the line between your responsibility while being a victim to a powerful and aggressive drug. We make mistakes, we don’t have to live with them forever but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get pushback from others for said mistakes. It sounds like you need more work understanding the position she was in and accepting that she felt threatened. Her response might’ve been overblown, but you can’t demand others to be rational while acknowledging how complex your own mind is. You also need to understand that admitting mistakes and loving yourself are not contradictory concepts.

    I’ve had a few friends who suffered from substance abuse. Amazing, kind friends who turned into inadequate, concerning, and sometimes threatening people under the influence. I hurt for them so much but during episodes the only thing I can do is stay away, and ask them to stay away. They’ve done stupid stuff but we always forgive each other, we stay friends and I love them, and I am willing to put up with their outbursts because of that, and because they keep trying to do better, but from a stranger or an acquaintance I have zero tolerance for that shit. You will have forgiveness from some and not others, it’s part of life.

    I have also noticed that they experience memory issues when drinking, so some conversations I have had when I thoughtfully and thoroughly explained things disappeared from their mind very quickly, so you shouldn’t fully trust your recollection of the vibe between you two.

    Good luck in your journey towards recovery and acceptance. It’s not an easy life. Admit mistakes but don’t let them keep you from giving lots of love and compassion to yourself, you sound like you need it.