This is amazing, thank you!

Depending on your ISP and router you might be able to install WireGuard on it. More generally self-hosting a VPN is pretty straightforward.

How do you get that custom fastfetch output?

Excellent, I can continue not using it.

I have a 2007 Acer laptop with OpenSUSE Tumbleweed with LXQt which I use for torrenting. Works great.

You could also install batocera and run retro games and console emulators. I’ve done this with an old Raspberry Pi 1 from 2012 and my kid loves to play Sonic and Super Mario with it.