So how did this particular romantic faux pas become so pervasive?
Let’s start with the apps, which have seismically altered the romantic landscape. Dating once relied on ineffable chemistry and natural conversation, but it’s become gamified, the unwanted love child of online shopping and the job application process. It’s as though in a capitalist, hyper-individualistic society, men are approaching dating as they would a job interview, an opportunity to prove themselves rather than to foster genuine connection. It’s long been apparent that dating and corporate culture have merged: Bumble has a professional networking off-shoot called Bumble Bizz, while other singletons have admitted using LinkedIn to find love rather than jobs. In other words, men are so busy trying to sell themselves that they forget to ask about you.
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Writer Grace Flynn, however, suspects that men’s lack of curiosity might be symptomatic of something darker. “I went on a few dates with a man of many words but few questions,” she tells me. “He was the classic Tarantino-loving, dart-smoking, tattooed type, so unfortunately I couldn’t help but match with him on Hinge.” At first, Flynn didn’t notice that he wasn’t asking her much about herself, as she was naturally volunteering information as it pertained to his (many) stories. But by the third date, she began to suspect that he wasn’t interested in getting to know her, but rather was driven by the fact that she “met his standards visually” and intently listened to him talk: the optimal canvas on which to project a fantasy. “Why would a man ask you questions if the answers jeopardise the version of you he wants you to be?” Flynn asks.
It’s a cynical theory, but one that chimes with Faulkner, who adds that such a unilateral approach will inevitably elicit problems. “If you see a relationship as one where you don’t have to collaborate and you are the centre of the universe rather than ‘we’ are the centre of our relationship, it could cause a warped view of what a romantic relationship entails,” she says.
Of course, men taking on a dominant role in conversation predates technology. We can trace all of this to patriarchal gender norms, which are, consciously or unconsciously, still being propagated. “Women and men are socialised into different communication patterns,” Faulkner says. “I don’t think there are innate differences, but we sometimes teach children in different ways. For instance, women are valued for being nice and agreeable, which often means not being assertive… Men, on the other hand, are taught to be aggressive and to take the lead.” This is particularly evident in romantic interactions, which serve as a kind of microcosm of broader gender dynamics.
First of all I have to say that I identify as non binary but am AMAB. In the timeframe that I had still identified as a Man, I had been on a few dates, granted, not many but still a few to have some experience with the matter. Of course what I say in terms of personal experience is merely anecdotal evidence and can’t be generalized for the whole of the population or worldwide. I am a pretty talktative person and I do ask and have asked alot of questions. In general boys are brought up to handle problems or things in general by doing something about it instead of talking about it, is that a questionable approach? Yes of course, but still you are expected to, like eran_morad put it, be “conditioned to STFU”, depending on how your parents have handled that topic, this could lead from telling you that “you talk as much as a woman” to telling you to “stop babbelng like a waterfall and get to the point” etc. when you grow up. I had been on dates where in most of the cases I had to pick up the slack and keep the conversation going or, even worse, initiate the conversation when I wanted to have one getting shown amost some sort of disinterest from the person I was on the date with (maybe due to the ages of us two at the time? I don’t know). This lead to me one day just trying to see how valuable and interesting you are to the other person to let them initiate the conversation and ask most of the questions. I think due to social media and dating Apps we overvalue ourselves and I mean everybody with that regardless of gender, so if somebody who identifies as a Man doesn’t ask too many questions it could be the case that they have either been discouraged of talking too much by being told comments like the ones above while growing up, or they are testing to see how much value you as a conversation partner, especially when it comes to women, see in him by letting you pursue him instead of him having to pursue you. And if nowadays you are considering yourself to be a “strong independent woman” or something it shouldn’t be that much of a hassle to just show a bit of interest in your date. Not to advocate for strict traditional gender roles or anything but you can’t expect princess treatment (e.g. getting your part of the bill covered, being pursued on a date by him holding the whole conversation etc.) and also consider yourself a “strong independent woman”, I know you haven’t claimed that at all but just as a side note. So even though my experience is entirely subjective, I do think that more and more Men want to try what I did, feel as if they have to keep the conversation going because of past experiences where this was indeed the case, or maybe they want to break out of their conditioning they got as boys and many women don’t seem to like this fact.
This is sad. As a man, if I go on a date, I’m very curious who my date is. I ask loads of questions. In fact, on one date, I noticed my date was starting to get uncomfortable. I noticed I was just asking questions. So I decided to talk about myself. She seemed to calm down a bit.
Men are also conditioned to STFU.
