First off, didn’t know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I’ll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.
Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should’ve taken, but we’ll see later on), I’m looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that “I should go vegan if I’m allergic to veal” a lot of times before, but to my mind it’s way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it’s not the standard way of doing things, but it’s how I want to try to do them for now, at least.
Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don’t take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don’t, either.
So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It’s about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I’ve primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It’s usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others’ trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.
Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I’ve, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.
To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don’t want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won’t have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can’t see.
This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?
Because I tried going for the “safer” people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…
I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!
One question. It’s clear that you’re trying to better yourself and heal, by making conscious effort and taking concrete steps towards trying to be a healthier person.
Are your “broken” partners also making similar efforts and taking clear, measurable steps towards healing, or do they tend to be more set in their negative behaviors?
I can tell you this much, I have never entered a relationship (i.e. anything more than “third date” territory) with anyone who showed signs of not seeking growth. Negative behaviours (with a certain degree of nuance in what I mean by that) are red flags to me, no exceptions. I try to understand the person, to sympathise and empathise as much as my principles allow, but if I see someone whistling at a waiter, for instance, I’m done and heading home. If said negative behaviours are solely oriented toward themselves and they are obviously taking care not to do splash damage, then that’s a different thing. But it’s acceptable to me precisely because there is intentionality behind that, that, while the cause isn’t fixed, that monster is being monitored and kept secure until a better and more permanent solution is found.
As an example, the one who punched me (and, to be clear, I’m not talking frustration punch in the arm, I’m talking furiously and repeatedly punching me in the face - intentionality, but in a different direction, I guess…). She seemed to be healthy. She even seemed to have her shit more tightly packed than I did, to be honest. Going to therapy for several years, saying the right words, displayed humility, the whole nine yards. This lasted for several months, after which her words and her actions started slowly slipping out of phase, until they were essentially contradicting eachother. I stayed a bit too long in this one because after every blowout there would come the period of discussion, where we would again seem to reach consensus. Then it’d be ok for a few weeks/months, then, again, gradual decline toward full blowout. I got tired of that rollercoaster eventually…
A different relationship ended due to my partner’s lingering suspicions from a past relationship, where she became convinced that my asking things about how her day was going was me trying to be controlling. I again ended this one when it became clear that her convictions had priority over anything I could have said or done. And, again, this showed up much later in the unfolding of things, as she non-euphemistically got triggered and her trauma response solidified.
Thank you for the response. Offering advice beyond where you already are is a little outside my pay grade, so I’ve nothing more to offer unfortunately. Maybe this extra detail can help others hone in with their own thoughts, though.
Honestly, one of my therapists told me she’s surprised I manage to find people within “my type” at all, so I get it…
Thank you for your insights as well, and you’re 100% correct! We should keep repeating these things, so that we may never forget the values we’re trying to espouse! If nothing else, it genuinely feels good knowing that what I am doing, I’m doing ok-ish, even though in a completely unorthodox way.