I’m looking for online resources to help manage myself. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder (depressive type). I was diagnosed in the past 3 or so years after having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder over 7 years ago.

In the time since my original diagnosis, I have lost my fiancee, lost friends, lost employment, and lost hope. I beat myself into the dirt daily. I have little to no respect for myself, I hate myself more than I care to admit, I talk down to myself constantly, I feel like there’s nothing more worthless than me, and I hate existence with all my being.

I’m in my mid 30’s and from the southeastern US. I cannot afford real therapy as I have no job, no income, and the state government here hates helping people. I have applied for SSI, Medicaid, and Medicare. I have been turned down every time. I have Crohn’s disease and am obese, on top of the mental illness(es). I am at my wits end.

I’m supposed to be moving in with a friend further away who owns a business and will be employing me sometime this year, but I honestly don’t know if that’s going to work out or I’ll live long enough to see if it does or not. The past few months have been pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I’ve even thought about walking to the creek behind where I live and drowning myself when the water’s high.

I absolutely refuse to take medication at this point because the SSRI’s and Antipsychotics I’ve been on made me feel nothing and that triggered a different type of suicidal ideation. I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I need help, but there’s no way for me to get it at the moment.

If anyone has any resources they’ve found online that have helped, please share them here. I never wanted this life and I certainly never wanted it to be this way. I hate this.

Also, to answer any questions about how I’ve gotten medical diagnoses, I lucked out after a suicide attempt and got put into a charity program that no longer exists that covered most medical expenses.