I’m looking for online resources to help manage myself. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder (depressive type). I was diagnosed in the past 3 or so years after having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder over 7 years ago.
In the time since my original diagnosis, I have lost my fiancee, lost friends, lost employment, and lost hope. I beat myself into the dirt daily. I have little to no respect for myself, I hate myself more than I care to admit, I talk down to myself constantly, I feel like there’s nothing more worthless than me, and I hate existence with all my being.
I’m in my mid 30’s and from the southeastern US. I cannot afford real therapy as I have no job, no income, and the state government here hates helping people. I have applied for SSI, Medicaid, and Medicare. I have been turned down every time. I have Crohn’s disease and am obese, on top of the mental illness(es). I am at my wits end.
I’m supposed to be moving in with a friend further away who owns a business and will be employing me sometime this year, but I honestly don’t know if that’s going to work out or I’ll live long enough to see if it does or not. The past few months have been pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I’ve even thought about walking to the creek behind where I live and drowning myself when the water’s high.
I absolutely refuse to take medication at this point because the SSRI’s and Antipsychotics I’ve been on made me feel nothing and that triggered a different type of suicidal ideation. I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I need help, but there’s no way for me to get it at the moment.
If anyone has any resources they’ve found online that have helped, please share them here. I never wanted this life and I certainly never wanted it to be this way. I hate this.
Also, to answer any questions about how I’ve gotten medical diagnoses, I lucked out after a suicide attempt and got put into a charity program that no longer exists that covered most medical expenses.
I’m supposed to be moving in with a friend further away who owns a business and will be employing me sometime this year, but I honestly don’t know if that’s going to work out
I think you should start from there and see what happens next, don’t think too much ahead and take it slowly from there. To have some purpose or stability like a job I think would be a step in the right direction, both from a psychological and financial point of view.
I don’t have any answers for you friend, I’m sorry. All I can do is commiserate and tell you in no uncertain terms you’re far from alone - but that’s nowhere near a solution for your issues.
The decision whether to stay on the meds or not is one only you can take, no one else can feel what you’re feeling. But don’t doubt for a minute that you’re worth it. Seriously, there’s millions of people out there that the world would be much better off without, but you’re not one of them…
Hey there, thanks for taking time to write here about your life, thoughts and feelings. I’m sorry to hear things are incredibly tough right now.
This book (The Happiness Trap) was recommended to me by my therapist, and I found the practices in there to be very helpful for me (depression). Here’s a free online version.
https://cabct.hr/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/The-Happiness-Trap-Harris-R1.pdf
Among other things, it helped me see my thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. And to not always listen to them. To choose which thoughts I think are helpful, and just acknowledge and then ignore the rest of them ( I was talking down to myself a lot too).
Another thing I got better at with the help of the book is to act according to my values, even if something is unpleasant in the short term (simple exemple : exercise because I value health).
Another ressource that helped me greatly are free and community led gatherings to talk about mental health (and in my case addiction). I used to attend the ones organised by DBSA, here’s the link :
https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/chapters-and-support-groups/online-support-groups/
Best of luck. Virtual hug.
Hello, after an entire life collapse, I was trying to kill myself daily for about a month straight last year, I was hanging from the ceiling and researching poisons and firearms. The thoughts stayed around for many months. I moved back in with my parents after losing my place to stay.
What helped me was physical and creative productivity. I leveled patio stones and landscaped for my parents. I did IT (iPad, wifi, TV, printer) help for elderly neighbours. I trained my parent’s dog to open doors with its nose. I forced myself back into music and visual art through learning game and web dev.
After many months of mixing these types of activities in with my default (1000 yard stare or lying down with my eyes closed), I started to crave the activities. I realised that I was smiling at things like trees, birds and friendly faces. It was definitely worth the effort.
I have no easy answers for you, of course. And I might not have ever been in the same depths of despair that you are.
But beating yourself up, self-hatred, those are habits. You do them all the time, and you’ve gotten good at it.
Time to try getting good at building yourself up, self-forgiveness, laughing off the memories you flagellate yourself with.
In time you might get better at healthier tasks. It’s a long road to be sure, but it’s a different one than you’re on now.
