I’m always the one trying to put stuff together and nothing ever ends up happening. It’s clear I matter a lot less to everyone than they matter to me and that hurts. I really really wish that giving up on having people in my life would stop me from craving social interaction.
Mentioned feeling suicidal to the wrong friend and he freaked out and gave me the classically unhelpful/actively harmful pep talk and advice without ever trying to fucking understand and it makes me feel so fucking invisible. Like, people only care about me when I impact them by upsetting them at the thought of me harming myself. They don’t actually care, they just want to make themselves feel better, so I get the “be better, I don’t want to hear about you being suicidal anymore” talk so they can put my mental illness in the “done” pile and go back to not thinking about me. I do have a couple friends who will actually listen and empathize and understand, but there’s only so much you can lay on someone before it drives them away.
I’m going to delete or abandon this account soon. Trying to be social on Lemmy kind of is worse than having no social interaction at all, the internet in general but more specifically this corner of it is just filled with arguments and negativity and I end up dreading seeing inbox notifications. So, if I stop posting, I’m probably still around, not that anyone’s checking
In therapy and on antidepressants, and things were better for a while, but the past few months have shown me that nothing ever actually improves. I can feel better about stuff for a while, or more accurately be emotionally disconnected from how shitty things are, but they don’t improve. I’ve tried, and failed so hard I’m much worse off now than before I started antidepressants and therapy in the first place. I’m done. I wish I’d never tried to make things better in the first place. Having hope was stupid and just resulted in me hurting way more. I’m mostly just trying to avoid suicide for as long as possible, I think it’s pretty inevitable.