cross-posted from: https://kbin.social/m/[email protected]/t/623593
Harping on people to get married from up in the ivory tower fails to engage with reality of life in the dating trenches.
I’m a male of 32 years old.
I have had a few relationships and my current one has lasted for longer than a year..
She said that it would be nice to experience getting wed at least one more time in her life.
I don’t plan on marriage though. I have never felt a need or an urge with anyone to do so. The idea of a beautiful ceremony is neat but…nah. Needs money I don’t have and I don’t think it brings any more bonuses to my happiness..
I’m content with what we have without this extra step.
(We also don’t plan on kids - if that has anything to do with marriage in the first place)This may be unpopular but the marraige model was never good for women in the west, and Im glad we are free of it.
We were expected to be live-in bang-maid-mothers. Women were lobotomized during the ‘golden 1950s’ that some (often conservative men) worship.
I think I am starting to prefer a model where I live together in groups with friends/ family for protection and support.
I’ve been on the dating apps for 3 years now, I’m male, and it isn’t a good time for guys either. While women get literally hundreds of likes a day, guys, its the polar opposite, maybe 1 or 2 matches a month. There may be some weight to the articles points about younger generation of males who lost their way, and aren’t keeping up with life. But I feel one major contributing factor to making online dating shittier and shittier is all dating apps mimicking tinder with the swipe left/right bullshit. Being forced to say Yay or Nay right then with the smallest amount of information about that person to make a judgement on, other then looks, that’s a recipe for incentivizing men to swipe Right on every single women, and then hope they get some matches back.
Mix into this toxic stew the fact that the most desirable men are in the top 10% of attractiveness, and those guys get a ton more matches then the bottom 90%. Those guys can be huge assholes and generally ruin it for everyone. The experience of a women on modern dating apps is just terrible, endless amounts of attention, low effort guys trying to get their dick wet ASAP and being blatant about that up front. It’s exhausting for women. For guys, it’s soul crushing, feeling worthless, retooling your profile pictures, your bio, in the hopes you’ll stand out.
Online dating was never great, but it got much worse when Match group acquired the vast majority of dating app companies, and then they all started following tinder’s toxic design. Also add a huge helping of design elements meant to squeeze more money out of lonely people. “Oh you want to know if your message was read, get read recipes for 2.99 for a pack of 5!”, “Get scene first, get premium!”.
Yeah, screw online dating, no wonder less people are getting married.
Here’s a great video by Kidology about Tinder:
It’s a machine designed by capitalism to make more money, not necessarily be effective. If it was effective at its job, it would make no money. I would love to see smarter people than me, make some good algorithm style dating match app, that just helps people find like people.
To give you a slight perspective on the multiple / hundreds of messages a day, imagine they’re 90% sleezoids and only 10% are probably decent men, getting flooded with heaps of messages then makes it the tiresome task of finding a needle in a haystack, exhausting work. I would argue that getting more messages isn’t a better place to be. If I had to choose, I wouldn’t choose that option.
Don’t get bitter, take the time to well round yourself, build yourself up a better version, that’s wisdom, anyway, and you’ll be happier inside a levelled up version of yourself, either way. And be patient with the women wading through the mud trying to get to you.
I can’t imagine how much wears you down to get an endless tide of shit guys. I’m not bitter, I’m doing A-okay, I’m happy with my self and happy with my life and would only want a relationship that adds to my life and I to hers. I appreciate the kind words! I’m keeping some dating apps active just in case I find a great match with good chemistry, but my periods of depression are behind me thankfully. But early on, it was rough, so I know what other guys are probably going through too.
They’re really gonna play the “men are shit” card? I mean come on.
Yeah crazy how low-income single mothers would have negative opinions of the dating scene.
Have you asked a woman what dating these days is like? There really are a lot of shit men.
These shit men are inattentive, either unemotional or emotionally unstable, irresponsible, unable to do household chores, and unwilling to properly take care of children.
The awful stories my wife tells me about before we started dating are astounding. I’m a man btw, and I know so many of these guys who became husbands and their wives are so frustrated with them.
Do we blame the men entirely? I don’t think we should. The gen X dads were incredibly hands off because their parents, the boomers, were super overbearing. Therefore, so many men were not taught properly how to be attentive spouses and fathers.
While I agree with the general sentiment that women are not interested in assholes and men are largely responsible themselves for their poor success, your list of flaws suggests that every single woman ever on the dating market provides these qualities, and should thus expect them in a partner. This isn’t the case at all. Why should a man be expected to be all the things when the average woman checks barely half your list?
These shit men are inattentive, either unemotional or emotionally unstable, irresponsible, unable to do household chores, and unwilling to properly take care of children.
…
The gen X dads were incredibly hands off because their parents, the boomers, were super overbearing. Therefore, so many men were not taught properly how to be attentive spouses and fathers.
It’s not a recent thing, there have always been shut men - it’s a source of great debate in the family about how my grandfather ever wooed my grandmother (we blame her upbringing in a military family for her putting up with an emotionally unavailable man) and my parents were always mystified how a couple of the wives in their friendship/parenting circle had ever fallen for the husbands. I’m Gen X and how some of my male friends managed to get hitched is a mystery, some of them where they’re at least superficially charming are on their second divorces.
So the litany of woes in the article is a tale as old as time, it’s just that women don’t have to put it with it any more. It doesn’t appear that this has led to guys raising their game though.
