“Oh god my left arm hurts it’s a heart attack!”

“No, you moppet, you’ve been leaning on your left arm scrolling memes for the last hour.”

This is how I find out I’m an expert

I’ve lived alone for weeks at a time. Just me and my kitty. I worked remotely but didn’t have many meetings.

I’d wake up to no alarm. I’d make some coffee and have a smoke on my porch in the sun. Sometimes a tractor would drive by.

I would have some meetings but nothing too stressful. Then I’d reheat some leftovers and mow the lawn or paint a room or clear some brush.

Then I’d shower and go to sleep when I was tired.

I really miss it. Even the people I love are a ton of work.

I’ve gotten a couple to get close enough to see.

I guess that’s evolution. Serves them right for trusting a human.

That’s a Replicator

Then I should be committed because Americans won’t do that and I’m so depressed I’m hallucinating.

Tell me about it. I’d been fully remote for about three years before that took effect, and I could take a pretty hefty deduction for my home office because of how it was calculated

Also, the Constitution doesn’t matter anymore and crime is legal

To add on to the other explanations: The thing you heard about 10 years ago was likely Trump’s tax bill that increased the standard deduction - a set amount that you can deduct instead of having to do a lot of math - and took a way a lot of deductions.

A deduction just means “you don’t pay taxes on that money.”

We shouldn’t be trusted with our own care.

There are plenty of toddlers who’d disagree with you

In other news, 58% of Americans failed US history class

I didn’t vote for him.

You probably couldn’t see it but tongue is firmly planted in my cheek.

Though no matter if the current crop wins or lose their primary any losses will be blamed on progressive voters and it will probably call them children.

I know because that’s what happens every time and humans are desperately boring and predictable.

Yeah, those stupid kids who want a perfect candidate and everything fixed immediately!

Wilbur Buds > Hershey Kisses

I used to believe that people, given the right information, would make a smart decision, and that humanity will eventually get things right.

Now I know we won’t and this has doomed millions of species including our own, and if we’re lucky in a million years we’ll be an oily radioactive smear in the fossil record and nothing of value will be lost.

Quitting is too much work.

Just stop working and see how long it takes for them to fire you.

I haven’t felt patriotic since the 90s. Every 4th feels like I’m surrounded by deluded people.