art source : https://www.artstation.com/artwork/gJ82Yx
… this just reignited my desire for a boyfriend, but like, one that’s also autistic, so he fucking gets me. We’ll have lunch in perfectly comfortable silence at a busy diner and judge people that talk too loud in public. It’ll be great!
Some friendly advise. A neurodivergent partner can be great but you can never assume they will be similar to you in the same setting. Coping mechanisms can be opposites and what is comfortable for you may be stressful for them.
Me and my partner are both on the spectrum and i wouldn’t have it any other way but its common for at least one of us to deal with something at any given time (so there are few true breaks from stress) and at worst our challenges can amplify eachother.
In the end everyone is unique so maintain an open mind when dating and try not tp judge all neurotypicals the same way.
Maybe I’m autistic because that sounds fucking awesome. Fuck small talk. I just like existing by people I care about.
My wife is autistic, can confirm lots of happy, comfortable silence. We also have a collection of white sounds, and different rain sounds from around the world lol
Yeah fuck small talk, let’s throw shade at the people around us!
Does anyone have that image of the fucked up fork meme that was going around a few days ago?. I hated that one and was telling about it but couldn’t find it.
Is it this one? I never saw it, but I googled “fork meme” and this was a likely candidate.
That fork looks like it would be handy for keeping a window propped open
I recently had someone acting high and mighty with me pretending I was a bigot in literally every way to try to win an argument about joking about wealthy people being lizards. They rounded it off by saying I was using big words to bully her because she was a woman. I had no idea she was a woman, and frankly I don’t care because she’s clearly dishonest and ableist AF.
She’s probably one of the rare un-wealthy lizard people. They get really sensitive when you talk about rich lizard people.
As someone with OCD but without ASD, I can understand a bit of this. But a helpful tip is not to bastardize something people are enjoying that you, yourself would have an issue with as a way to rationalize your dislike.
For instance… If you have an issue with a certain type of food, don’t make fun of it while people are eating it and they won’t feel attacked and respond in the like. (it’ll just become a tit-for-tat and devolve)
Instead of saying “Eww… I’m not eating mushrooms, they’re a fungus and they’re gross and they feed off rotten things.” Just give a bit of obfuscated truth and say something like, “No matter how many times I’ve tried, my mind just won’t let me do this or eat that.” No need to explain any further as many people can have issues with different things, so there’d be no need to give your diagnosis.
Well, then you shouldn’t eat any plants and after that anything else, because plants feed of rotten things (soil) and everything (including us) eats plants.
ASD with contamination OCD here. I hate mushrooms, but strangely enough, love tempah. That’s basically soy curds glued together with edible mold.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Brains are weird.
Taking each of those symptoms in isolation, how would someone know that person is autistic? Pretty sure the sentiment behind the “I would never bully someone for being autistic” statement is that if they knew the behavior is caused by a condition then they wouldn’t bully that person. The difference being that it would then be assumed the behavior is due to something out of their control.
You could take the absolutist position of “don’t bully anyone for any reason” but how absolute is that position? Is it not okay to call a politician an idiot or an asshole for doing something you don’t like? What if they have a condition that makes them behave in a way that you call idiotic or assholeish? A child refusing to even try to eat something their parent worked so hard to make could be considered assholeish behavior, are we to assume it’s because they have autism and thus never call them out on it?
The key word here is “bully”. It’s also a tricky word because the line where bullying starts is often blurry. There’s a context-dependent spectrum of gray that makes up the difference between bullying and calling someone out on assholeish behaviour. I think you’re right that absolutist poisons don’t work here.
My reading of the initial post was somewhat different than yours. I imagined the person saying “I would never bully someone for being autistic” as someone who believes themselves to be a Good Person™, despite engaging in bullying behaviours. My brain went there because I’ve known people like that. Maybe they would refrain from bullying someone who they knew as being autistic, but if they take that approach, they’re going to inadvertently bully a heckton of autistic people for their autistic traits, just because they don’t know they’re autistic. I don’t think that’s okay.
I interpreted the original post as advocating for being more tolerant regardless of labels or identities, because often, we don’t know the full context behind a behaviour. A complement to this is that being autistic doesn’t exempt you from being an asshole. I want to be called out for shitty behaviour, but I don’t want to be bullied.
I feel like I’m articulating my point badly, but something that’s underlying this entire comment is a book I read a while back named “Racism without racists”. It looks at racism as a product of the system, and how neutral or even good people can be a part of perpetuating it. Acknowledging this is a necessary and often uncomfortable step towards dismantling unjust systems and it doesn’t mean that people are Bad People™. When people feel attacked and perceive “the system that we are a part of and that some of us benefit from is structurally racist” as being an accusation of “you are racist”, it leads to them becoming defensive and refusing to acknowledge the address of the broken system.
I think ableism functions in a similar way. Society is ableist on so many levels, but I’ve found discussing this to be difficult when I have to walk on eggshells to avoid people becoming offended as if I have accused them of being ableist (even if I haven’t used that word at all and am focussing on constructive discussions about way forwards). It feels hypocritical when people consider themselves an ally, but then have the audacity to take a basic access request like “please don’t label the event as wheelchair accessible if it isn’t” and make it about them, becoming outraged. My take on the original post is that it’s directed at this kind of hypocrisy.
FWIW I thought you articulated that quite well, it helped clarify some things for me. But I do understand your apprehension.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I think perhaps that what I meant by that part was “Oh no, I have already written a lot and I still have more to say. Ah well — farewell brevity! I see now that you were never going to be a part of this runaway comment”
I see, you weren’t being as concise as you’d hoped. I get that. I often make long posts too because of how often people misunderstand me I try to anticipate that and head them off in order to not have to get sidetracked re-explaining things. That’s me anyways.
A fellow long-winded mdash user fighting ableism? Keep doing the good work! :)
Imo it doesn’t matter much whether that behaviour is caused by some recognized condition or is just their personality. Someone could have texture related issues with eating certain food and not be autistic, doesn’t make them an asshole for not wanting to eat it (not to mention that almost no one likes all food). In the end we’re all mainly a product of our genetics and environment, and the specifics of what people should and shouldn’t be considered responsible for is a whole philosophical argument in itself.
You can criticize people for their behaviour regardless, as the other commenter said there’s a difference between criticism and bullying. And I don’t think “I’m autistic” is any better or worse a reason than “I just don’t like it” (using that loosely here, could include the whole range of extreme responses like vomiting). Because autism here in the end is just a label saying “congrats, you have a recognized reason to not like it”. There’s no way to know what precisely is going on in someone elses head regardless.
Is it not okay to call a politician an idiot or an asshole for doing something you don’t like?
It’s pretty fair to call a powerful individual an asshole if they’re using the unequal power dynamic to fuck up peoples’ lives.
What if they have a condition that makes them behave in a way that you call idiotic or assholeish?
Insults are inherently irrational, using derogatory terms is never rational. There is no clear and objective way to determine if an insult is “justified”, because justification and logical thinking is subjective. When using insults, it’s important to consider the goal and results of the insult. Why are you calling a person an idiot? Is it because they’re acting in a way which you find “weird” or “annoying” or even “aggressive”, and you want to feel better about yourself or harm them emotionally?
In your example, the perspective is that a person holds power over others and is using it to cause harm in one way or another, and it’s felt that the person doing it is in control of their actions, so even knowing that an insult will bring no improvements they just feel an emotional pressure to vent.
That’s a scenario where it becomes obvious that justification is subjective and, even if it were reasonable to decide it’s unintentional, some people just feel helpless or angry and want to take out their frustration on the person they feel is doing the actions.
You use bullying when you want to achieve something. Self-satisfaction, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, fitting in with others, whatever. Bullying is a tool to try to shift power, to bring someone else down, whether it’s to “level the playing field” more or to put someone below you.
So what goal do you have when you call someone who’s stimming or fidgeting or breaking down crying a derogatory name? What goal do you have when you call a child an asshole for refusing to eat a certain food? What goal do you have when you have when you call a politician an idiot?
Are you trying to emotionally abuse them into acting a certain way? Are you trying to gain self-satisfaction/relief and express your frustration at their cost? Are you trying to change other peoples’ perceptions of the person? Are you just trying to hurt / punish them with no end goal because you feel they deserve it since you got stressed by their behaviour?
It’s ignorant to for intent to be the default assumption. Always assume that someone could be different from you and that they may not be at fault for something you don’t like. Then consider things you wouldn’t do if they happened to have some sort of difference from you. That’s the basic idea of treating others with sensitivity. If you think a person has certain harmful beliefs or does certain harmful actions, would you treat them differently if they had ASD or dysthemia or NPD?
Treat anyone the same way you would treat them if they were neurodiverse. Your opinion of them shouldn’t generally change if you were to someday know that they had ASD or something. That’s an important way to stave off unjustified biases and treatments towards disadvantaged peoples.
A child refusing to even try to eat something their parent worked so hard to make could be considered assholeish behavior,
I mean if you’re down with blaming the children for being whatever you think of as misbehaved… I think “kids are assholes” is a funny phrase but unjokingly pinning the fault on the kid for their behaviour as if they choose to be reluctant to eat and calling them an asshole is a whole nother level of unempathetic. Kids are not rational and shouldn’t be bullied.
are we to assume it’s because they have autism and thus never call them out on it?
Generally if children (or pets) refuse to eat it’s because there’s something causing them to, maybe it’s stress or emotional trauma, or maybe it’s sensitivities caused by a disorder, or maybe it’s an underlying illness like ulcers or cancer, or maybe it’s because they have a certain biological reaction to the food, or maybe literally anything else. The mere idea of “calling out” a child in the first place is dumb, as if they’re to blame for what foods do or do not repulse them or what causes them stress.
What do you is be a good parent and support your child, helping them get through the obstacles they were given. Not get upset at them, subconsciously blame them, and then be surprised when that sort of attitude towards them emotionally pushes them away or traumatizes them. Which is a typical experience for people with Autism and ADHD because most people, and most parents, default to assigning fault to the person they associate with issues, and raise their child thinking of them as a burden.
“Yall…”. Xitter holier than thou keyboard ninja. It’s wrong to mock people but OP must feel like a saint.
It’s literally just a regular term to refer to a group of people, this has similar vibes to me as freaking out that your kids got a lesson of pronouns in English class
No, nothing wrong with the word y’all. It’s the generalization: “Everyone is bad, and i will set you straight”
Not to defend the insulting but most people don’t realise that the person is autistic. Autism has different spectrum and some of the symptoms are very subtle for the untrained. I have a family member who is diagnosed with autism late in life, which explains a lot when we were growing up.
thats the joke tho
That is true and fair, and the fact that plenty of these issues come from ignorance is good enough for me to think that not everyone that the post is calling out is some sort of irredeemable moral failing. Though that only goes as far as the people involved are willing to listen and understand that on the best of days, atypical, innocuous behavior isn’t something you should be mocking, that you only have the impulse to do so because your monkey brain wants to punch someone down the social hierarchy ladder and that’s pretty fucking dumb; and on the worst of days, it’s yet another contributing factor to complete social alienation and internalized shame for autistic people.
I’ve ulcerative colitis and it’s flared up. Medical advice is no to low fibre, no veg unless it’s boiled soft like a mush, no garlic, no onions, no mushrooms, no red meat, no sweet corn. I can only eat white meat, fish, white rice, potatoes like mash, white breads like a loaf, bagels and brioche. I’m not being a picky eater, I literally can’t eat some things because they’ll fuck with my gut and make my disease worse. Fuck inconsiderate people.
I’m really sorry, I had colitis and it was awful. I really hope you find some relief from it.
It’s getting better day by day and I’m going on a biologic which suppresses my immune system so hopefully with the new med I’ll rarely have flares again.
That sounds tough. I once knew someone who had a medical issue with severe dietary restrictions like you, and a tone deaf coworker was like “haha at least you can lose weight, sounds great!” FFS
Tell me about it. My flare up started months ago and I’ve dropped a clothing size. Everything I have is baggy on me now. It’s been so bad that I’m being put onto immune suppression medication in the hope I don’t have flares again. I also have autism traits like sensory issues and being unable to make eye contact as well as poor reading of social ques.
I’ve also had stomach issues that cause sudden, rapid weight loss, and it all started with some weird food poisoning, but that sounds horrific. I realize how fortunate I am, now, and wish you the best and speediest healing.
This is why I can’t do online left wing spaces any more. They talk the talk about ableism, but then its “why can’t you boycott the only food you can eat, just eat something else”, “you could talk to service workers if you wanted to, you just think you’re better than them”.
Then sharing a video of people with their fingers in their ears at a black music festival with a caption calling them racists, when they’re clearly autistic people enjoying the festival but having sensory problems.
I blame the popular understanding/misunderstanding of neurodiversity. People think autism is just a personality type.
And don’t you dare tell a vegan you can’t drink anything with plant milk!
Being unable to drink plant milk doesn’t make drinking cows milk okay.
Just don’t drink cows milk? It isn’t essential for your diet anyway.
There are quite a lot of days cows milk is literally the only source of calories that doesn’t make me vomit from the intensely unpleasant sensory experience all other food gives me. So no, I’m not going to stop drinking it.
Drinking cow milk is ok. You not liking that dont change that, or that nw Europeans are literally evolved to drink it.
I wasn’t talking about diet. The problem is with ethics. No, it’s not okay, dickhead.
Yeah, it is. You’re literally whining about a food an ethnic group has literally adapted to, that comes from a selectively bred animal not found in the wild, and the reason that ethnic group survived.
Missing the point.
The fact that the cows are being exploited at an industrial scale is abhorrent.
Typical carnist dickhead trying to justify enslavement.
(looks at the dairy down the road) yeah, stfu, They’ve not a bad life compared to either not existing or dying in a hard winter. But rest assured. I am a carnist dickhead. If the winter gets rough I’ve no problem eating you, Grass fed tastes better anyways. The muscle fat ratio is similar to hogs. you’ll make good bacon. Ethical issues about these things are really in movies for effect, real life, no one cares that ain’t been pampered to a ridiculous degree all their lives. Ive not yet met one, vegan, farmer. you’re a city creature of flexible ethics that won’t look too closely into where the food comes from but will act superior.
If your ethnic group only survived because they adapted to cannibalising their young during famines, would you eat babies
Yours, sure.
I don’t know. I’ve never been in a famine.
I drink it and%a lot of it, and it like it.
People are fake. A lot of online spaces outside of spots like Facebook (which is Gen X/boomer territory) are more so left leaning, so a lot of people tend to spout what they think is popular. Some might believe it but won’t put any efforts into practicing those beliefs, while others just simply don’t believe what they’re sharing.
Pride month is a good example of this. As soon as the months over most people who were spamming their socials with all sorts of LGBT support messages could care less.
Personality type that can hear the bubbles in a open soda can across the room making a fucking racket
“you could talk to service workers if you wanted to, you just think you’re better than them”
As a service worker, don’t talk to me any more than you have to
Good news, I don’t talk to anyone unless I have to.
I’m the police and I say you have to
Idk what kind of left wing spaces yall find. Maybe if everyone didn’t think hexbear was the boogeyman they’d realize how accepting they are
I’m trying to figure out if there’s a way to subscribe to whole instances.
Yep, super accepting, especially of Russian imperialism: “Instead of seeking peace our fascist government in Ukraine funds death squads in Russia to do terrorist attacks making the war worse”.
And Chinese killings: “The Tiananmen Square ‘Massacre’: The West’s Most Persuasive, Most Pervasive Lie.”
“As for the Uyghur thing, even western media has largely abandoned that point since it was too easy to see that no one was being killed”.
Those are just a few heavily upvoted comments that I found within 5 minutes of opening their page.
Hexbear is better on this than most places to be honest. Surprising coming from a community that formed around Chapo, whose favourite insults are autistic and smooth brained.
Hexbear isn’t a leftist space.
I would say they’re “alt-left” in the derogatory sense.
They’re leftist by virtue of being tankies.
Tankies aren’t leftists; I’ve yet to read a coherent and useful way of defining “leftist” that includes tankies as well as other groups that identify as such. That is to say, if we allow for the existence of entities that are mistaken or lie about being leftist, we are forced to exclude tankies.
But their unity-through-force ideology, which is totally not just an excuse to be edgy and feel morally superior, but really and truly a coherent belief system, is definitely practical and pure, and not some slighly skewed picture of fascism with a handful of socialist buzzword decals slapped on top.
So, therefore, Left!
. . .
/s juuuuuuust in case
Well I can honestly say I can’t argue with that. 😂
Lol. Ok
I looked through your comments to understand why you reacted like that, and I realized you’re either wildly politically illiterate or you can’t do math. When your supporting argument for Wyoming being underrepresented is “they have 1 congress person” instead of an argument about the number per population it’s kinda hard to tell which it is. The talk about the state being “big” makes me suspect it’s the former, however.
How many more square miles do you want that one person to represent, Professor?
Take some number of citizens C.
If the population of the state is P, let the number of Representatives ® be P/C, rounded up [R=ceil(P/C)].
Note how land area is not a part of the formula.
If Texas were the size of Detroit while maintaining the total population size, would you argue in favor of reducing their representatives to 1 or even 0?
If the answer is yes, you need to take a civics class. Your question is like asking how much wax you need to make a crayon be blue; the hue of the crayon is entirely independent of the total amount of wax. Hopefully that’s an analogy you understand.
It is when the population doesn’t meet the threshold without going past state lines. Fuck you guys are stunned.
For that kind of thing I blame the cultural fact that today’s leftism is based on finding people to hate.
They pride themselves in not hating groups, but they do spend about 93% of their mental/social/political efforts in identifying people who need punishment.
Well, that and the weird obsession with autocracy because they can’t admit that their folk heroes might have actually just been assholes who did more to harm leftist movements than any western opposition ever did.
That, the other thing, and resorting to campism to immediately choose simple, identity-based positions over complex ones that are more coherent with specific ethical principles. At least there’s people who get everything right, even if they aren’t too many.
It realy depends which places you are. I personaly really prefer Anarchist/Punk spaces. (I am obviously a Anarcho-(Solar)punk myself) and I have better experience there than else where. I still run sometimes in difficulties but most go quickly a way by explaining my position as an Aspie. And ask them to explain why they think this is true. Tbh I don’t know much how it is in auth left spaces (it is suposed to be worse not only for neurodivers people) but tankies can fuck of anyway.
I’m never going to diagnose a friend or family member with an illness or disability. Until they say something, they’re just a picky eater or fidgety and I will bully them relentlessly for their minor character defect, as is tradition. Communicate in a way that works, written or verbally, or it’s fair game.
So, I have to give you my medical diagnosis about personal mental health issues before you respect me enough to not make fun of me?
In a friend group setting, yes, your visible traits, wants, past experiences, and tastes are on the table for humor. This is nearly universal and I fail to see the issue.
I’m in my early 40s, grew up in the rural midwest, was quite autistic and didn’t understand the concept of ribbing. I didn’t get that until I was like 30, at which point I looked back in horror at so many friendships that had died when people became “hostile” suddenly.
But that was the rural midwest in the 1990s. I went to a tiny high school. We had like seven popular bands on the radio and two TV stations as our cultural milieu.
Me and my friends could rip into one another, and we did. Not so much the ribbing stuff, which I didn’t understand until later in life. But philosophical discussions, politics, jokes, we said some raunchy, cutting stuff to each other because we knew each other could take it.
These days, there are a lot more cultures overlapping and mixing, and changing rapidly. The shared context is much less. The places it’s safe to rib people are smaller.
It sucks, but it’s reasonable too, given the circumstances.
Also, kids are much more used to relying on text as the primary driver of whether communication is hostile or friendly. Because they grew up having text-only conversations. Creating friendships, learning to socialize, finding themselves, all in this text-only realm.
Just culturally speaking, using the nonverbal cues as the location of the “friend or foe” information is a thing from my generation’s upbringing.
Sort of like in The Expanse how the Belters nod with their fist instead of their head, because a vac suit obscures head movements.
Different circumstances growing up, different cultural assumptions, different communication channels and different sets of communication channels.
We’re used to:
- Friendly = friendly tone, [any words, friendly or unfriendly]
- Unfriendly = unfriendly tone, [any words]
They’re used to:
- Friendly = friendly words
- Unfriendly = unfriendly words
When we are online:
- Friendly = non-insults, over-the-top-obviously-ineffectual insults that don’t fit well enough to land, generosity of interpretation
- Unfriendly = insults that land, non-generosity of interpretation
When they are in real life:
- Friendly = friendly words
- Unfriendly = unfriendly words
Oh wait, I thought you were joking.
Do you know what group you’re in, dickhead? Kindly fuck off.
That does make sense of some things, this is intended as a safe space and I violated that. That was sincerely my mistake. Thank you and sorry. I thought I was in 196.
Nothing you said was out of line. It’s an important skill to be able to laugh at yourself. It’s also an important skill to not make fun of someone after they have let you know there is a good reason that you shouldn’t. I’m autistic myself and the energy of this comment section is making me strongly consider blocking this community and moving on.
I’m not going to get in the way of the self improvement of others so I’ll hold my tongue on all but the most salient point. Safe spaces have value and knowing whether you need one or not is incredibly valuable in and of itself. I do not, so interjecting my opinions on people who need to take steps before they reach the same point provides no value to me or them. What you’ve achieved is an accomplishment, don’t forget that. Similarly, never forget what you overcame to reach the place you’re at.
If it’s okay for an autistic person to have these traits, why can’t someone else? This kind of mindset is what makes the world so inherently hostile to autistic people. Even if you don’t shame people whom you know to have autism for these traits, you are still communicating to them that you think these traits are bad when you shame others for having them.
And why are these traits “bad?” None of these really affect anyone but the person who has them. Picky eating limits the person’s own choices, not your own. Their lack of understanding of humor or sarcasm isolates them socially from others, not you. It’s not a reflection on the quality of your joke. Their awkwardness hurts themself significantly more than it can possibly hurt you. Not wanting to be touched is a basic personal boundary that should be respected no matter whose boundary it is. Fidgeting is a harmless motion. Most of what we shame for being “cringey” interests are rooted in misogyny anyway, and others’ interests do not harm you in any way. Meltdowns are something that anyone can experience, if pushed to the brink. Autistic people just happen to have more sensitivities, and also to live in a world that is actively hostile to them. Of course they will be pushed to the brink more often.
It can be hard to unlearn ableism. And I hope you’re able to read these words with an open mind and take the time to introspect on why you hold the beliefs that you have expressed here, and try to understand the harm that they cause to autistic people. It’s especially harmful to express them here — as I’m glad that you noticed, and walked back — but I wanted to also address you in a more general way, because I believe that this sentiment would have been harmful even if you had expressed it on 196 (where you stated that you originally thought you were.)
It’s fine for everyone to have those traits, but that doesn’t preclude these traits from being made fun of in a friendly setting. A person’s ability to accept good natured humor at their expense and whether good natured ribbing is acceptable are separate discussions. You’d be kind of a cunt to joke about something that someone might actually be insecure about. That’s the only difference. You don’t jab where skin is thin, you congratulate. Measuring yourself against others and improving or accepting yourself is the core of interpersonal relationships.
Imagine for a moment that you lived in a world where the vast majority of people were different from you. They liked to eat something that you find disgusting: we’ll say gravel. Their humor relied on advanced knowledge of something that you didn’t have knowledge of, like string theory.
Every day that you turn on your television, you see shows making “fun” of people who don’t understand string theory and who don’t find chewing on gravel to be an ideal meal. Every day when you are at work, people look at your food and ask, “why aren’t you eating gravel? Is something wrong with you?” Every time that you try to make friends, they rapidly shoot lines back and forth about string theory that you don’t understand, and when they notice how lost you are, they shame you for it. When you try to tell them about something you find interesting, they call you “embarrassingly unscientific” or something, and exclude you.
So you’re tired, because it feels like the whole world is against you. And you go home and settle down for the day, and you call up a good friend because you just want to feel seen and understood. And your friend sees your dinner on the camera, and they say “Rockless dinner again? You’re so picky! It’s not hard to just sprinkle a little limestone on top, you know.” They then proceed to tell an elaborate joke about string theory, which they know you won’t understand, and then get angry when you don’t find it funny and tell you to lighten up.
Wouldn’t you feel terrible if this was how your ‘friend’ treated you? Would you really find their treatment “good-natured?”
Sure, some of your friends may actually be able to tolerate this ribbing. But the vast majority of autistic people are just tired of the constant jokes at their expense. They might not say anything about it, because it’s so commonplace that if they pushed back people would say they’re “making a scene.” Other downtrodden groups also face this and are stereotyped as “angry black women” etc when they put up boundaries about how others should treat them. And so many people learn to just grin and bear it, in the name of keeping the peace and avoiding drawing attention.
I’d also like to address this phrase specifically, emphasis mine:
A person’s ability to accept good natured humor at their expense […]
Autism is called a disability, meaning that there is a difference between the ability levels of autistic and non-autistic people for certain things. Some autistic people lack the ability to parse this kind of humor. It is not their fault. It is not a judgement on their character as a person. It’s merely a part of who they are. You don’t tell someone that they’re lesser as a person because they can’t shoot a bullseye, write with their non-dominant hand, do long division in their head, or understand recordings when played backwards. These things are as arbitrary as being able to understand sarcasm, to sit still, or to follow a conversation in a noisy room.
And, frankly, it’s not as funny as you think it is, so I don’t blame people for not thinking that it is. You seem somewhat defensive of your brand of humor — which I understand, because it can feel like some sort of judgement on your skill level or something — but can you not just… make other jokes?
but that doesn’t preclude these traits from being made fun of in a friendly setting.
And sorry to double reply, but I feel like I missed this. (I have a tendency to ramble, I should probably refine my responses before sending. Eh.)
Why would you make fun of them if you don’t think these traits are bad?
Why would you make fun of them if you don’t think these traits are bad?
As another autistic person, I didn’t understand this instinctively so I can actually articulate an answer for you.
The reason you make fun of your friends is to reinforce the shared understanding that you are friends.
I’ll try and come up with an analogy.
There is a king who keeps very tight security around him at all times. Everyone must be disarmed before they enter his chamber, because he doesn’t trust anyone. Except for one man. There is a knight in this king’s court who is allowed to wear his sword into the king’s audience chamber.
Why? Well, because it is an honor to be trusted to this degree. And why does the knight bring the sword in? Because every time the king chooses to allow the knight’s sword into his presence he reinforces his own trust in the knight. He reinforces the pathways in his brain that consist of this trust.
That’s the knight’s reason.
Why does the king allow the knight to bring the sword in? Because every time the knight chooses not to draw that sword and kill the king, he reinforces the part of his brain that is loyal to the king. That is the king’s reason.
The king and the knight both benefit from their relationship; they both want it to be strengthened.
So they allow the creation of a situation that only works if they’re friends, because this disambiguates the relationship in their mind.
I know it’s not the best analogy. But it’s about competing narratives in the brain, and how presenting a scenario whose resolution into one decision or the other reinforces the narrative that matches the decision.
If we are friends, and we’re hanging out, and I say something insulting to you, I’m doing that because the insult gives you an opportunity to reaffirm our friendship by choosing to take it lightly and laugh at it. The word “reaffirm” here encapsulates the logic in the last three paragraphs preceding this one.
The insults are the sword in the audience chamber. They are a threat. By dismissing the threat, one reaffirms the relationship.
It makes more sense in the context of demonstrating to a third party that two people are friends — say if that third party was thinking of playing them against one another — and to apply it to two friends alone you just need to remember a human brain runs thousands of little minds in parallel.
You’d be kind of a cunt to joke about something that someone might actually be insecure about.
So we’ve got two scenarios to consider.
Scenario one is you don’t know this person. Hence anything might be something they’re insecure about.
Scenario two is you do know this person. Meaning you’re in an ongoing relationship with them. Meaning years. Meaning you’d better be disciplined about only giving them shit once or twice about it. Because in the course of years, you’re going to have hundreds of opportunities.
And guess what happens when you poke someone repeatedly anywhere hundreds of times? They get sore
I’ll up vote. Dw
I’m not worried about votes, I intruded on a safe space and only realized afterward. That was my mistake and I’m just hoping this will be taken as the apology it’s meant to be.
I’m just hoping this will be taken as the apology it’s meant to be
Except you’ve made no apology…
So if someone doesn’t have a document signed by a doctor stating that they are, in fact, different than the norm, you can be an asshole to them for being different from the norm? Go fuck yourself.
Your reading comprehension is as absurd as your indignation.
Looks like everyone here shares either my interpretation or a very similar one. If you truly feel misunderstood, you should write better instead.
Sorry about that, didn’t realize what community I was in.
So you’ll just continue being ignorant somewhere else? You really need to check in with your behaviour around other people.
I behave as is contextually appropriate without issue and offering my two cents to an online autism support group is just… not. There is a fair amount of subtext missed or misunderstood, given this setting and audience, and I’m not looking to offend people searching for support and camaraderie with hyperbole taken literally. Anything else I can say would appear patronizing or offensive, but suffice it to say that I’m genuinely not rude in person.
Is poking fun at friends and family really so entirely out of vogue that I need to explain further? Sincere question.
Are you that fucking stupid? Sincere question.
Kinda, yeah. I thought I was in another community entirely.
Oh ur bullied?
So is everyone else. Stop using your autism as an excuse maybe?
Or just say you’re diagnosed as autistic and most people will stop. Jabs at an actual, medically relevant trait aren’t okay. Jabs at Ted aimed at his singular diet of coleslaw and hotdogs are fair until they’re not.
Getting diagnosed isn’t free, it can also be counterproductive if you can make-do without support. This is for several reasons, including discrimination. Not to mention it can be harder to diagnose an adult and even more so pointless as most support centers on autistic children (so I guess fuck us once we’re adults/s). I was diagnosed at three years old. My father has never been diagnosed. We’re a lot alike and now that my family knows #1 Autism is a thing, & #2 what at-least one Autistic person is like some of us believe that he is autistic too. There’s not much point in him being diagnosed in spite of him hitting a lot of the same criteria I do because he is able to make-do without help. He very well may benefit if he had support but he doesn’t and has managed to arrange his life to evade most of the things that give him difficulty.
Or you could just not be an asshole? Because autism has nothing to do with it and this just makes you an asshole regardless of the situation.
This is just straight hypocritical from them
With how frequently I see hypocrisy I’m beginning to hypothesize the neurotypicals aren’t good at, at-least, that kind of logical consistency.
How good are you with keeping promises?
My ex kept the relationship going for an extra month to find any reason to break up that wasn’t a sign of autism, because all the reasons she felt were issues were autistic behaviors.
Damn, all she needed to realize was that one’s own needs are all the reason they need for a breakup.
Glad she finally got the job done though. And I hope you’re okay too.
Whoever considers picky eating a problem can take it up with me, my friend is one, which simply means I get to eat the stuff she doesn’t want to, and she can order something she might not like, knowing I will eat it anyways. It’s a win win
I’m autistic and the opposite of a picky eater. That being said, when introducing people to new food you have to be extremely patient with them. A lot of things look, feel, and smell different that what most people are used to
My 4 year old is autistic and definitely didn’t get the picky eating thing out of the autism grab bag. This morning he mixed rice (with soy sauce) & relish and gobbled it up 🤮
Is that a picture of your son eating that relish?
As a father who either has to prepare the same meals over and over, or else make two separate meals, I do not share your positive outlook
It gets much better when the kids become co-responsible of their own alimentation.
Alimentation
It smacks of Victorian literature. I’ll be adding this one to my verbiage, thanks.
Leave it to us non-native English speakers to bring up extremely obscure English words out of nowhere.
Thank you friend, from an autistic person with food issues.
Additional thanks from a fella whose brain reacts to weird textures in my food by gagging or vomiting. It’s so embarrassing, especially around friends.
I used to have that with zucchinis for whatever reason, so I definitely understand where you’re coming from. First time eating quiche years ago was hell, nowadays I love it
Bananas for me.
What about cucumbers? I got a love-hate relationship with those
Hey, someone else with the same issue as me!
Yeah it sucks. So I end up getting a lot of the same things over and over again because I know what the texture will be.
‘Hurr durr you’re so picky’ - or maybe I just don’t like gagging and vomiting and can’t control that reaction genius.
I have two or three foods that cause that reaction. I’ve just said that I’m allergic. Saves a lot of explanation.
In a way, you are.
Maybe we should raise our standard to “don’t bully.”
Sadly we love hierarchy dominance just about as much as we hate how much it makes us look like apes.
Teachers and school administrators almost always side with bullies. They can’t help themselves.
I know. My child had a terrible time* of it, during their school years. And I’m slowly* becoming more aware, because I’ve almost no filter and blurt out whatever crosses my mind. I’m addressing it, but reversion sneaks up on me. I just have to keep working at that, and way too often, missing what seems obvious to others or very belatedly.
*Yay autocorrect
What have you got against apes, ya damn dirty hominid?
Oo oo uh gnrshk
they are not efficient enough in warfare
I call it an invisible caste system. There is so much perceived superiority over even the simplest of things.
While I agree that we should avoid bullying rather than just avoiding bullying specific groups, this might go too far. We should just make a whitelist of people who you can bully, like Republicans or people who watch reality television.
No. It may feel good in the moment, but doesn’t change anything. It just reinforces their belief that the world is out to get them and makes us hypocrites, or if done regularly enough, turns is into the beast we would destroy as e also feel bad about our behavior and ignore those feelings long enough (they’re there for a reason). And sure, there will be momentary lapses and negative feelings we didn’t know what to do with them. That’s when it’s time to face our shadows, again, and do the work. It took me a half a century to get there, but I’ve begun trying. I hope you will join me. It’s an individual work, but we can support each other, if you’re game.
and reddit user
And lemmy user for good measure
If we’re going here…
Whitelist isn’t the preferred nomenclature. Use terms like allow-list or permit-list.
So now what do we call the opposite list?
Usually a deny-list or a block-list.
These are the inclusive terms that are getting adopted in IT, at least, and they usually work in that context. Maybe not for everything.
So what the heck are we calling “Grey-hats” now?
Edit: not to mention the other two hat terms
Don’t forget about the whole master/slave thing or how often programmers kill children.
At my company, white hat hackers are to be called “offensive security researchers”. Black hat hackers are to be called “attackers”.
I think grey still is acceptable, at least until the martians start demanding equal rights.
I think terms like “legal grey area” don’t have the same connotations as black/white do, because “grey” isn’t really used as an adjective for a person.
I still refer to our oldschool Linux admins as greybeards. I think that’s okay because there’s like 5 oldschool female Linux admins in the world and they are chill as hell.
