We were in the same class and I thought she was pretty and started chatting with her and trying to … I don’t know, you know, get to know someone well enough to start a relationship with them. However you do that – I still do not know.

I was also going through a period of severe depression and a period of severe vodka-in-the-morning alcoholism to compensate. I was not at my best. I remember every time I talked to her, and she seemed pleasant enough and friendly enough the whole time. At some point she mentioned she had a boyfriend, ok, cool; so what is the move here? completely stop talking to her? continue talking in a normal way? I attempted the latter, a few weeks later I got an official letter from the school saying she was concerned about “unwanted in-person contact and indirect contact with [me], which she deems to be harassing in nature” and I needed to sign a thing to never talk to her again.

I have a few unresolved points I can’t get over:

  • How am I supposed to continue existing knowing this occurred? I was labelled god-knows-what, I mentally carry it around like a scarlet letter. Is this the intended effect?

  • How am I supposed to enter a healthy relationship at this point? Do I still deserve love? Are you sure?

  • I am sober now, I am going to therapy, and so on, i am no longer a threat to society, etc etc

  • How can someone do something so austere, not even send a simple polite text or even a mean text before going straight to the authorities like an rat?

  • How can I not continually hate myself forever?

  • Thrillhouse@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    8 months ago

    I think the point that what felt like friendly conversation to OP may have felt intrusive to her is so important.

    I’ve been dealing with this a little myself recently and an old classmate from High School. This person keeps messaging me every few months on Facebook, has asked to go for coffee, knows I am in a relationship. I told them hey I’m dealing with a lot personally - I don’t have time to meet up. I’m not really interested in meeting up, but they still keep messaging. I don’t respond and they still message. I want to have good relationships with people from my hometown but what do I do? I thought I made myself clear in the nicest way possible. Initially I was ok to say hi from time to time but this person has come on too strong and too fast.

    I worry that maybe this woman felt she was making herself clear and OP was unable/unaware/unwilling to read the signs because they were impaired. Rather than saying her actions to seek help from the institution were “austere”, perhaps OP should accept that she felt she had to seek help because the actions were threatening to her. Was it too much and too fast? Did she feel cornered and that she couldn’t exit the conversations? Were they deep conversations every day when a wave in the hallway would have been sufficient? And especially something that I feel was missed in the initial text - was there touching at all? Impaired people might feel like they’re touching in a friendly way but it can be extremely intrusive/unwanted to someone who is not impaired.

    • eek2121@lemmy.worldEnglish
      0·
      8 months ago

      Let me play a bit of devil’s advocate: what if he/she just wanted to get coffee and was looking to be just friends?

      If he actually made an advance on you, that would be different, but as an older adult, if I meet someone and want to get to know them, I will likely ask them to get coffee or a meal. As long as you have made it clear there is no romantic interest, there is nothing wrong with getting coffee or food with someone.

      I’ve done so numerous times and have been able to make some great friends, both women and men, along the way.

      After all, how are you supposed to get to know someone unless you have a way to spend time with them?

      FWIW one friend I actually used to have dinner regularly with before I moved. We also used to see movies and do other stuff like that together.I am married, she is not. We have zero romantic interest in each other. We just shared similar interests. I have been friends with her for 20 years.

      Sometimes you just need friends, and not every guy wants all guy friends and that applies to men, women, and everything in between.

      Of course if he makes it clear he wants more, all bets are off.

      • Thrillhouse@lemmy.worldEnglish
        0·
        8 months ago

        Oh I have friends of different genders - I know how it works.

        This person, for me, has made it clear they want to relitigate high school and started, without any invitation or explanation, randomly trash talking someone we went to high school with. I didn’t respond. Like what am I supposed to say to that? It’s not a positive person I want to hang with. I think they got stuck in our small town and are fixated on the past.

        I think when I say I don’t have time because of personal issues and explain what those issues are (impending death in the family), that is a clear sign to the other person to not bother me until I reach out, especially since they are just a former classmate. We never really hung out.

        There is a bit of social “take the hint” skill required, and people need to be aware of the general vibes they are giving. I don’t want to hear negativity if I don’t have a previously established relationship with you. I think some people try to jump the gun on friendship. In the early stages, as acquaintances, if I’m being nice it doesn’t mean I want to hear about all of your problems.

        Establishing a trusting, reciprocal friendship takes time and I think people who have social challenges are often not aware that they are coming on too strong and too fast.

    • NoIWontPickaName@kbin.social
      0·
      8 months ago

      Have you just straight up said no to them? Just a straight no thank you I am not interested in having any kind of relationship with you, even a non romantic one?

      People hate to just put their cards on the table and then get frustrated with others because they can’t understand the muddy communication.

      If you tell me that you are too busy, that means “Hey not right now because I am too busy, but I am open to this.

      Compare that to just saying no.

      One is very clear, the other is ambiguous at best

      • escew@lemmy.worldEnglish
        0·
        8 months ago

        I kind of agree with you but I think it’s my male privilege. My wife doesn’t like it when I say “no thank you” and then close the door while the sales man is still talking. If she can’t handle ME shutting down someone neither of us know and will never see again, there’s no way she would be comfortable telling someone who knows her and where she lives that she’s not interested right? As a man it’s easy to be clear with my intentions. As a woman, it’s dangerous.

        • Thrillhouse@lemmy.worldEnglish
          0·
          8 months ago

          Thank you.

          There are a few considerations:

          1. This is a small town. My philosophy is to be friendly with everyone and not burn bridges. Being friendly doesn’t mean being friends or going to coffee. It could be that we might end up working together some day or being at a party. In small towns you do need to exercise some social grace to make sure you don’t hurt others’ feelings.
          2. The amount of times women say “no thank you” directly and still get interrogated by a series of why not questions. This is so common. I shouldn’t have to rationalize, defend or explain why I said no.
          3. Then, women get into a situation where we really firmly have to say NO and suddenly we’re a bitch if we say that to the wrong person and open to violence, threats or stalking in the worst cases.
          4. Also, we are socialized from a young age to be “nice and polite.” That doesn’t just go away. It’s like why don’t men talk about their emotions? It’s a social structure - it doesn’t mean it’s right, or that we shouldn’t work to change it.
            • fireweed@lemmy.worldEnglish
              0·
              8 months ago

              If you want cultural change, start with the perpetrators of the problem not the victims.

              Don’t teach women to speak directly, instead teach men to accept direct speech. This includes empowering men to call out other men who chastise/complain about/act aggressively toward women who’ve been direct with them.

              Once women no longer feel a need to use softening and indirect language for their own protection, more direct speech will naturally follow.