Aside from being the maoist pope, of course.
Aside from being the maoist pope, of course.
the catholic uprising against the landlords was the largest and most comprehensive proletarian revolution in history, and led to almost totally-equal redistribution of land among the peasantry
hell ya
but also:
- have the archives digitised/remotely accessible, get a gun, and go church to church shooting pedos worldwide
- call for the immediate, eternal dissoloution of the “state” of Italy
- official church position that the great satan is actually the literal embodyment of satan, kicking off the holy crusade against amerikkka and all of its satellite/vassal states (additional bonus of retaking and liberating jerusalem and greater palestine)
- canonise Fidel Castro (while going straight to Marx, Lenin or Stalin might be funnier eventually, inflicting otherwordly levels of psychic damage on gusanos has the best immediate payoff)
- the papal treasury shall fund the alliance of sahel states indefinitely
- Declare Gnosticism is no longer heresy
- Absolve my entire family for the sole purpose of excommunicating the members I don’t like
- Dig up a bunch of other popes and put them on trial for failure to condemn genocide, nullify their papacy
- Make a weird new calendar system, ensuring my name is remembered forever
decimal calendar
Convert to Islam.
Excommunicate prominent imperialists to keep the fash malding.
Priests can get married. Gay people can get married. Gay priests can marry eachother.
Declare homophobia to be a sin. Bigots go straight to hell.
Make all archives about collaboration with Nazis, the CIA or the protection of nonces publicly available.
Reopen the Spanish Inquisition but for nonce priests.
Make Luigi a saint.
Wear all the funny hats.
Buy nukes for the Vatican then proceed to launch missiles towards the Great Satan
They must have so many documents on sexual abuse by priests, make it all public.
Fire/arrest all the priests in the world, turn churches into community centers and museums, kick some old fascist in the balls
Get car-bombed.
i have a list
- go hard on the anti-rich parts of the bible
- excommunicate everyone with more than $1 million individually
- decree that all bishops must only move diagonally
- call a crusade on utah
- make the swiss guards do a little dance
- be assassinated
bring about the destruction of the church as a centralized institution by opening the archives
Excommunicate my boss
Break Mahmoud Khalil out of jail
Make cannabis a sacrament
Canonize Fedsmoker
-
use some extraordinarily flimsy theological justification to claim that in addition to the holy trinity, the ancient gods of Rome are also aspects of God and resume worship of the pagan gods of the Roman republic and early empire
-
call for a crusade against Israel to liberate the Palestinian people in the name of
ChristJupiter -
canonize every vaguely important communist who ever lived
-
issue a papal bull declaring that cis people will not see the light of the kingdom of heaven (this is already true but it needs to be written down)
-
tell the swiss guard that they’re doing great and i love them and their pikes and jaunty outfits
-
hold a triumph. i don’t know for who or why but i want a goddamn triumph
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change my title to Callipygous Optimus Maximus, Imperatrix EstraDoll I
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i think i’d be impressed by how well i pass as a guy considering i havent gotten top surgery?
oh and then idk kill all the pedos
I’d make The Da Vinci Code canon.
Wdym despite all odds, I thought I had a decent shot
I just figured a great majority of us weren’t catholic is all. If you are, you’ve got a better shot than me.
Oh im not Catholic does that affect my chances
Yeah, they’re pretty insistent you be a member of the club before they make you president.
