Transition: 2001-2004. Fully stealth since 2002 (had sex reassignment surgery & changed all of my documents). My last transition procedure was voice feminization surgery.
How did your transition impact your and your family’s relations with the extended family and local community? I’m also Romanian, a straight dude, and in the early 2000s it was wrong for me, as a guy, to have long hair and piercings. I was constantly reminded and reprimanded for it. Oh, I also got beat up on the street going home from a club, for the same reason. I moved away as soon as I could do so.
My family and I have always been unapologetic. My parents’ explanation of it was a mental disorder that needed to be fixed through transition always worked. Of course people talk, but as they say, cainii latra - ursu merge… I was a feminine gay boy in school, had long hair, painted my nails, wore makeup, etc… got bullied a lot, even by the teachers, but I was “de gasca” and had my group who always had my back. Now I’m a straight woman with a husband and 2 kids, even got married at church… Romanians have this idea in their mind that trans is always something like Naomi (you know who I’m talking about) or the other “trans” women (most escorts) who’d go on TV shows to make ratings and stuff… they don’t think of someone like me when they hear trans.
What’s your favourite book(s) and band(s) ?
Anna Karenina & ABBA.
How many people can tell/how many of those people will mention it?
I haven’t had that happen since all of my documents were changed. So that’s 22 years.
As a straight man, Ive always fantasized about being with a trans but only in a voyeuristic setting. Sorry if I sound crude, but have you had success in the casual dating world?
Been married to a straight man for 17 years, dating for 19. Had many options even before my husband. Never lacked men to say the least. Actually didn’t lack men even before starting my transition, as a feminine gay boy; you have no idea how many men were like: “well, I’m not gay if I’m the one giving, and you look like a girl, so…” back then. From my experience men are extremely easy to charm.
What the fuck is voice feminization surgery? That sounds scary af. Do they literally have to cut into your throat?
It’s a surgery that raises your pitch. There are multiple methods for this. Mine was something called Vocal Fold Shortening and Retrodisplacement of the Anterior Commissure. Basically they do this: The unique concept of Yeson‘s VFSRAC surgery is that the most advanced surgical technique is used which perfectly modifies the features of male vocal folds into those of female vocal folds. This is achieved without the necessity of a skin incision by endoscopically removing 1/3 of the vocal fold membrane and internal tissue, and then suturing the new structures tight with permanent suture material using some of the world‘s finest micro endoskopic instruments.
Thank you for the explanation. It sounds a lot less frightening after.
That sounds awesome!
I think they go through your mouth, no cutting. I think they just have to like do something to shorten the length of your vocal cords because the shorter they are the higher pitch they’ll create.
Your vocal chords are altered to sound feminine
I mean yes but isn’t that deep in your throat?
the back part sort of is, but you can feel the area where the vocal chords are, it’s the hard bit roughly where your chin meets the neck
What are you having for lunch?
I had some Caesar salad.
Awesome!
Is it really “stealth” you wanted to write? I’m of the impression that a full transition is the opposite of being hidden and undercover. Genuine question, I’m interested in the mindset. You are a woman - is there an aspect about that that needs to be hidden now?
And: How are you now? Is there any “aftermath” of your life before transition, any connections to the life before? 20 years is a long time so a lot of connections may get lost and forgotten.
Well, for me stealth doesn’t mean hidden or undercover. The whole purpose of transitioning for me was to assimilate into the general population, from the very first moment. That was my goal. That’s what stealth means to me. For me being “trans” wasn’t a permanent state of being, but a temporary one I had to go through, and a problem that needed to be fixed, in order to live life the way it feels right to me. A medical issue to which transitioning was the treatment. I sacrificed a lot, when I started my transition I cut off everyone but my parents and siblings & moved to another city for a completely new start where no one knew me. I’m doing great now, have an amazing husband and 2 kids, and great friends. Living the life I’ve always wanted. I don’t feel any connection to the old me anymore. I’ve already lived longer as “this” than “that” by now. Even my birth certificate has been saying F longer than M.
That seems like a hard thing to do, cutting almost all ties. Im happy it worked out for you and you found the life you were longing for. But does the stealth include your husband? I guess not? So (since he’s your husband now) I assume it didn’t matter to him? How did he react initially?
It doesn’t. I told him out of respect, and because I believe a marriage should be based on trust and honesty. Though I don’t believe he was “owed” that info, I could’ve just told him I’m a woman who happens to be infertile, my birth certificate, ID, etc. confirm it, so it’s technically the truth. Either way, his reaction was just well, you have a vagina, you have boobs, your paperwork’s in order… if it looks like a duck, quaks like one, walks like one - it’s a duck. So he really didn’t care.
Thanks for the answer! Stealth indeed includes/means total integration into something, you’re right. And I’m happy that your transition has this great effect for you!
Another question: Does your husband know? And if so, how did you and he “handle” this information? (Sorry if my wording may sound weird sometimes as English isn’t my mother tongue).
He does. I told him out of respect, and because I believe a marriage should be based on trust and honesty. Though I don’t believe he was “owed” that info, I could’ve just told him I’m a woman who happens to be infertile, my birth certificate, ID, etc. confirm it, so it’s technically the truth. Either way, his reaction was just well, you have a vagina, you have boobs, your paperwork’s in order… if it looks like a duck, quaks like one, walks like one - it’s a duck. So he really didn’t care.
I’d love to know your thoughts in regards of how easy or hard you think it is for others to spot that you’ve been born a man. Like, on a scale from 1, super easy, to 10, basically impossible.
I’m not going to be humble. I transitioned young, I had the surgeries I wanted to have with great surgeons, I’m stereotypically feminine and I’ve been dealt a good hands in genetics. So 10. I’ve travelled around places such as the Gulf with no issues, including Saudi. Side note, I’m glad I live in Romania and not the “Western West” where trans people are always in the headlines, cause here absolutely no one even thinks of trans people - that’s how rare it is, so people don’t even have that reflex to “spot” others or whatever. It just never crosses their minds.
I think stealth is the wrong word you’re looking for. It implies that you’re somewhere you feel you shouldn’t be, unless that’s how you feel. Maybe a better word would be integrated or accepted. Cheers
Stealth is the word used by trans people who transitioned and pass but don’t tell people they’re trans.
I’m not trans so far be it for me to tell them what words to use, but I do feel like stealth has a duplicitous connotation. It makes it feel deceptive.
It just feels like “invisible” to me. There are pros and cons to being invisible.
One con is if everyone were stealth, transition would seem scarier because all trans people you’d see out and about would not pass.
do you ever forget that you’re trans?
Yes, all the time. In day to day life, it never even crosses my mind anymore.
Ask anything? Any good ideas for a decent non-dairy breakfast option I could eat in my car on the way to work? I have been eating peanut butter on toast, but my breath smells too strongly of peanuts as soon as I get to work.
Extra peanut butter and keep mouthwash in your car
an entire live salmon
Bagel with avocado, hard-boiled eggs and fruit, smoothie in a travel cup…
Hard boiled eggs & fruit. I’m using that
Smoothie leads to too much cleaning… But might be the best option 🤔
Thanks
If you rinse the cup after finishing it and don’t lag on it it’s usually pretty easy, at least if you get a ninja bullet or something similar and aren’t using a full blender
Weetabix bowl has entered the chat
How hard was it for you to get the medical care you needed in the early 2000s?
Were/are your parents and family supportive?
So, I’m from Romania. Even now medical care for trans issues is abysmal, back then it was essentially non existent. The only reason I was lucky enough to get the good medical care I have, is that my parents had the resources and connections to make it happen. In 2000, I started seeing psychologists. I did that for a while, then I had to see a psychiatrist who had to give me a gender identity disorder diagnosis in order to start HRT with a endocrinologist. I’m thankful for that year of therapy, it weed out any another possible causes for my feelings. My parents paid for everything, surgery in Thailand (SRS), US (FFS and breast augmentation), South Korea (voice surgery), living alone in another city… they were supportive because for them being trans was way better than being a gay boy, because they saw and see being trans as something that can be fixed through transition - after which you just fit in normally with everybody else. After I had SRS I changed my documents - and because even now there is no regulated procedure to do so legally, you essentially have to sue and hope that the court grants your legal change, and it required SRS.
I mean no disrespect to your parents, their support is amazing, but I am cracking up over them being so homophobic that they went all the way around to going full pro-trans. “As long as you’re not a gay boy, we cool.”
it’s literally the kind of thing Hank Hill would do, turns out that boy ain’t right. walks in on bobby kissing a boy and freaks out, learns the word “transgender” and immediately tells her to go clothes shopping with her mother and sister.
Not sure if I’m making things up but I think in Iran you’re allowed to marry a man if you transition into a woman, which is funny because in a way it’s more progressive than the US
You’re allowed to marry (or just date, or fuck) whoever you want in the US, regardless of the gender of anyone involved. Meanwhile in Iran being gay carries the death penalty.
You’re allowed to marry (or just date, or fuck) whoever you want in the US, regardless of the gender of anyone involved.
As long as you don’t care about the social consequences, sure. But even that, not for very much longer.
Iran forcing gay people to transition or face a potential death penalty is incredibly regressive.
Not saying it’s a good thing. I just consider it ironic taking into account the extremely transphobic political atmosphere in the US right now.
Maybe you answered this question on an earlier comment and I missed it, but here goes: what would you estimate your transition has cost in EUR, over the years?
It’s been a really long time & prices have really changed since then and honestly I don’t really remember that well anymore but I’ll say easily over 100k euros including everything from travelling abroad, hotel stays, actual surgeries, etc.
I read all your comments so far and found it very interesting. Congrats on your success of (it seems) getting the life you want and things going well, pretty awesome!
How important is being able to “pass” as an aspect of being stealth? If someone is ever able to tell you transitioned or inquire about whether you have after interacting with you, do you feel like you would not be stealth? Or is it more about not being singled or pointed out by strangers? Or perhaps since the last of your transitioning, no one has even been able to tell unless you told them like your hubby
I personally believe that the most important aspect of being stealth is legal stuff - getting all of your documents changed. Because “passing” is kind of a weird concept: there are masculine women, feminine women… I honestly “passed” as a woman even before starting HRT - long hair, makeup, clothes, mannerisms, these are all stereotypical / traditional gender signs that signal to people what gender you are, because we live in a binary world. Once my birth certificate and ID and all of that said F, there was nothing that anyone could do that could “expose” me. But yeah, passing does have its importance, and I was extremely lucky to be dealt a very good card - both genetics and the resources to have all the procedures I did. I think the core of what being stealth is, is people perceiving you straight up as your gender, without any seconds thoughts or suspicions. Basically not questioning what they see.
Ugh wrote 2 huge paragraphs but am on a flight & lost signal as I hit submit -.- will tldr this:
What are your thoughts on people encouraging kids under the age of 10 from questioning their gender? From the folks I’ve gotten into it with about the issues they have with trans folk, they seem fixated on that being monstrous. Which from what I’ve read, a lotta people who transition DO question their gender/have a feeling as young as 3-4.
I have a fundamental issue with this question. I don’t support encouraging anyone to question anything, be them kids or adults, but especially kids. I believe that a comfortable, safe and open space should always be made available to express these feelings if they arise on the other hand. Kids are so easily malleable, it’s why if for example there are suspicions of abuse, it’s highly discouraged to ask your kids questions on your own - a professional is required because they know how to gain this info from kids without having them altering the truth depending on how the questions are being asked. For kids encouraging them to question is essentially planting seeds of doubt in their mind. I have 2 kids, both 15, completely cisgender and heterosexual. It has never even once crossed my mind to encourage them to question their gender, sexuality or whatever. That’s their business, their feelings. Not my place as a third party to encourage that. Those things if they are to come, come naturally and organically. Efficient communication and a good relationship is key.
I just don’t think people DO encourage prepuberty kids to question their gender often at all, at least in person, parents or otherwise. I’m sure it has happened, its just a stupidly rare edge case. That guy in question also thought a book should be banned in elementary school libraries if it depicts a graphic sexually toned make out scene, and that kids shouldn’t be exposed to discussions involving sexuality & gender until they’re near puberty age. What are your thoughts on that? Appreciate your perspective.
My thoughts are that sex ed should be age appropriate. I’m a supporter of sex ed in schools.
What would you define as age appropriate based off what’s healthy for kids development? Ie, when do you think kids should be learning about sexuality beyond “X gender person can fall in love with X gender other person and it’s normal”. The ex friend I mentioned in the post thought it wasn’t appropriate to talk about gender sexual preferences until they’re like 11-12
You don’t have to make it about sexual preference until the kid is old enough to understand sex. Like you said, A loves B but sometimes B loves B and A loves A. It doesn’t have to be more complicated unless the kid is asking questions or is a bit older.
We have to remember that on the internet they’re going to learn all this stuff when we think they’re “too young” so it’s better they get it from a good source. My niece said she was gay when she was 12. She’s just turned 14 and has a boyfriend. We just have to accept things and give information.
As a personal anecdote: there are people in positions that missed the openness part and do want to push questioning style of their own agenda.
My son has down syndrome, so he got social supports through our schools and province. Part of that was a program to transition from highschool life to adulthood. Friends, jobs, training, assistance, planning and sexuality.
When we met the one social worker at the school, it became apparent she had that agenda I mentioned.
She jumped right into sexuality and asked if we knew his orientation. I said straight, he likes searching girls in bikinis on google, and he talks about getting a girlfriend, etc. She replied with maybe he is just echoing what he sees around him. Which I understand can happen, and I wanted to explain that his God Parents are a gay couple he has known all his life (so they would be role models etc), but she kept interrupting.
So anyway, he went to a sexuality course. When that was finishes he came home and said “I like boys now”. " I went to find a boyfriend, because I’m gay". So we are 100% OK if that is his true feeling, but we know he does not process info same as Normies.
New social worker gets involved later, he is working, etc. He is back to saying he likes women. So who knows, he could be bi /pan or any sliding spectrum, but pushing questions on a young child or late teen with a mental handicap just fucks with their sense of self artificially, rather than being open and it developing naturally.
As his dad I was doing the cooking, artsy stuff, non sporty guy. So that, and family gatherings with gay couples, he would see that gender roles and relations don’t have to match 1950s setup.
Do you mean discouraging?
Nope, specifically cases where parents are encouraging that sorts stuff, or teachers/people online. The guy would frame it as something common enough to be a concern when it comes to the surgeries being legal point blank. I’ve since realized he was arguing in bad faith with a lotta shit :| though this is also the kinda person that claimed the civil war wasn’t about slavery after taking a community college American history class, so lmao.
